Saturday 01/18/97
It's very unmotivating when I spent time and effort to
implement something, but all others see is the shortcomings.
*
Instead of thinking "once I get this done, I will feel
better", use the belief "where I am, things are ok". Stop
the race - not because there's no place to go, but because
"wherever you go - there you are".

Tuesday 01/21/97
Thoughts in positive state:
1) I am doing the right thing. No rush.
2) Satisfaction.
3) All life is still ahead of me!
4) There are interesting things to do.
5) Life is a game.
6) No worries, I can handle everything on my plate.
7) Calm + thoroughness.
Interestingly, the feeling of calm does not diminish the
ability to be vigilant for problems.
*
Answering the question "What's important?" -
"To feel good".
Nothing more, nothing less.
I feel inner resistance, inner voices are arguing against
it, but I'll give it a damn good try.
One of the voices nags: "You can end up drinking a lot this
way".
Reply: "If I am on the road to success, but feeling bad on
the way, the drinking is unavoidable. But if I feel good,
things are different".

Note that we are talking not ability, but permission
to feel good.
*
There is something sensual in problem-solving. The solution
cannot escape me, it's like a vampire chasing a human.
The temprorary setbacks are like foreplay.
*
Inner voice: "Damn, what am I going to do tonight?"
Answer: "Whatever I do, I am going to feel good".
*
When something starts to worry me, I remind myself that it
is unimportant. The only important thing is feeling good.
I have to do that pretty often, but so what ?
All the inner dialogs tend to repeat, but now I have one
extra affirmation.
*
The trap of False Importance:
I want to do something > it's important > it has to be done
> if I don't do it, it will be disaster! > fear > protest >
I don't do it.

Looks like I need to break the link from "I want to do it"
and "It has to be done".

Monday 01/27/97
Conflict: doing thing hastily to get out of pressure VS
procrastinating.
*
When things are tough, I feel myself stronger and more
confident.
When situation calms down, I am back in a rut.

Tuesday 01/28/97
Curious conflict - when I feel I should call someone, I dial
the number and hope that noone will pick up.
*
Capability to be kind after being attacked reaffirms
my strength, since I haven't yielded to the Dark Side...
once again.
Thus, I remain whole and independent.
*
In waking life, nobody will agree that entire world is in my
imagination. But in a dream, they don't agree with me
either, even though I am right!
*
In a movie, father was lecturing his daughter for refusing
to accept her mother's gift. If it was me, I would take the
gift, thank the giver and put it in a dark closet. Am I more
honorable for doing this?
Perhaps, since I take care not to disappoint the person.
*
While ego boost is like jump start, winning in chess
is slightly different. It's confidence boost - like testing
battery to show it's fully loaded!
*
Opponent who's building his own attack is more dangerous
than one that spends time defending against my potential
threat.
*
Example of working half-strength - a good song is playing, I
often sing along with it in full voice, but now there are
people around me, and I feel words getting stuck in my
throat.

Wednesday 01/29/97
Can knowledge of hormonal predisposition be helpful
un understanding & improving self ?

Was talking to a girl at work - she was talking about
qualities many women share, and I was recognizning many in
myself. Like, mood swings, tendency to interpret every word,
etc.
*
Sincere compliment can be a beginning of interesting
conversation.