Thursday 10/31/96
Interesting, when I think about a co-worker who could have
achieved more, the argument: "What's there to fear? With my
skills, I'll make it anywhere!" apply to me as wekk. But
when I start thinking myself and possibility of working
elsewhere, fear takes there central place and doesn't listen
to logic.
*
Playfulness wins over fear.
Is that because I see element of a game, even in serious
business?
*
Few times I've been told that I should write a book.
Of course, I haven't found stable happiness yet, but maybe
the mere organizing of ideas will be useful? Maybe as I do
this, new ideas will arise too, more global ones.
I even remember how I was planning to call the book: "Find
Yourself".
*
Breaking friend's trust backfires on myself.
It results in me not being able to trust.
To learn to trust, learn to be trustworthy.

Friday 11/01/96
If I look at the problem as something that MUST be solved before
I can feel good, then going one step at a time IS terrifiyng - Dog
knows, how many steps I have to make before I finally feel good.
Makes it easier to try to forget the problem altogether.
*
Thought - sometimes when I achieve a calm state
(by IP or giving to others),
the choices don't seem so important anymore and decisions
come easier.
*
If you listen to everybody, everybody talks to you.
*
Maybe, a personal example can help others too - by showing
that it's possible to change the present, instead of
grumbling about the past that's gone.

Monday 11/04/96
WWW is like an intellect.
Remember a program called Elisa, that I used to talk to?
Today, I asked the Internet about "letting go" and it's
answering me in many voices.

I've read about a man who was hanging to a rope for dear
life, until he's let it go and discovered that he's standing
on the ground.
There's "letting go" for you.
*
About losign oneself - like Lew in ("Revenge of the Nerds")
proclaimed that he's not a nerd, I do the same, by
abolishing a title of "hacker" and avoiding contacts with
other hackers - which I began to do after reading hacker
raids in a book "Crackdown".
*
Fear of ridicule and search of popularity can lead to the
worst thing - rejecting friend, so that I can join the the
ones ridiculing him and laugh with them.

Realizing this stuff is both painful and enlightening.
*
One more Method of Enthropy:
When somebody is hurting me and I respond with love,
Enthropy adds an expecation that the other person is
supposes to change quickly. But this is not the goal here.
The goal is inner calm.

This way, Enthropy portrays a great win as one more loss.
*
I agree to face serious trouble, as long as I am at full
strength.
For example, at work, even if everything breaks down, I can
handle it fine, as long as nobody distracts me.

So much harder are tiny problems in life, when 90% of my
mind is occupied by guilt/fear/worry.

It happens at work too, when users are in the way, and I
have to make sure that they can keep working AND fix the
problem at the same time.
*
What if these 90% of my mind loaded by guilt/fear/worry are
actually meant to be searching for a new problem, the one I
could dedicate all my strength to? Like some programs, that
only run when CPU is idle.

This search is unconscious and it doesn't work very well,
but that's what it is, since the perception if info from the
outer world is heightened.

Perhaps, this is the way it's gonna stay stay as long as my
peak state is always connected to major troubles.
*
Worry about future may come from the fear that a big problem
will come, and I will still stay at my 10% efficiency level.
It's not true though, as soon trouble comes, I achieve my
peak motivation.