Index page
1. Glossary
2. Personal Enthropy
3. Fears and Conflicts
4. More Inner Conflicts
5. Closet Rebel
6. Observations
7. States of Mind
8. Watching my Feelings
9. Past and Future
10. Automatic Thoughts
11. Self and Others
12. Manipulation
13. World as a Game
14. Inanimate Objects
15. Surfing Scientology
16. 90% Power Solution
16. Feeling Resourceful
17. Intent vs Manifestation
18. A Matter of Trust
19. Levels of Evil
20. The Dark Side
21. Tao of Biking
22. Lose-Lose => Win-Win
23. Approval
24. Conversation is Over
25. Annoyance
26. How the Mind Works
27. Empathy - friend or foe?
28. Life is Actually Perfect
29. Compassion, Structure, Inner Judge
30. "I am kind", Feeling Love
31. Procrastination, slowing down
All The Rest
Email me
Back to main page

I am re-reading my old letters to my ex, here are some quotes... I replaced her
name with "She/Her" for privacy.

"Also, I noticed how we support each other. I tend to be supportive and
empathetic, but sometimes I need to be receive those myself. When I empathize
with someone but later, when I need it, I get nothing, it's hard to remain
considerate. Perhaps this is why I sometimes feel like I am an egoist. But now,
I am beginning to understand that the issue is not in me, but in mutual
understanding, ability to feel when it's better to aboid jokes or blame and
simply give other a shoulder to lean on".

"At this point I entered into a life-or-death with with a coyote and emerged
victorious, because coyote didn't notice me".

"Then She was kidnapped from her girfriends by a stranger in black mask
(although stranger was absent minded, so he accidentally introduced himself
first. Also he forgot his black mask at home). Then he subjected Her to a
romantic walk and even tried to take her to his secret lair in the woods. They
made it to the woods ok, but there turned out to be no lair there".

"I am sitting at work, thinking about you
I stretched a rope from wall to wall, so everytime someone comes
close and falls down, breaking furniture and equipment, I become alert".

"So, I tried to indirectly find out from Mom where our ladder is.
I wenr to her ans asked "Where is the ladder?". She understood my drift right
away and replied: "In the basement"".

"I am sitting at work and struggling with sleep. In the morning, Mom told me
that I shouldn't go to bed so late, to which I replied: "No, you shouldn't wake
me up so early!". Unfortunately, my argument did not work, so I was sent to
work. It's not so bad here, but I wish there were more conveniences (blankets,
pillows) and less people".

"I like rhetorical questions, it's fun to pretend that you understand them
literally. For example, when my brother asks "Do you think I'm an idiot?" I
seriously answer "Yes"."

"I think I am back to normal. I woke up at 2AM, horrified that it's time for
work, but then I noticed that nobody is scolding me and nobody is singing in the
shower - thus it's not morning yet".

"I have achieved a lot! I used to be a janitor, but now I am Main Specialist for
application of the "broom" device with manual controls. And you can ask anyone,
be it night guard or doorman - they all respect me!"

"This morning, when I came to work, co-workers surrounded me and began asking me
questions and requesting things. I diligently replied to each one: "This is
nonsense", "This is impossible", "This is hard and will take long time, but I
will look into it. And don't bother me while I am looking into it."

"*Throws a boot at those who are still trying to ask me questions. Turns off the
phone and disconnects the fuses.* Strangely, mu computer keeps working, due to
my enthusiasm alone".

"I am sitting at work and trying to decide how to occupy myself.
Managers are trying to tell me that doing some work could be useful, but I
give them a condescending smile and rule out this possibility.
No, you've got to think bigger! Maybe I could take over the world?
Or open a St Louis branch of "General Assembly of Different Theories about
Creation and Gramatization of Earth"?
We have a lot of projects. Our goals are immense. But will solve them and we
will solve them for sure! (Last 3 sentences are from a classic writer.. who was
it? Tolstoy? No...Dostoevsky? Also no.. Oh yeah: Brezhnev.".

"There is 2 hours left to work and your gloomy prediction did not come to pass -
I am energized, cheerful and at my peak state, except for small details: I
swap letters when typing, I am slow to reply to questions and I see everything
upside down (which is actually kind of cool - gravitation is working backwards
too, so all the skirts are upside down too.. hm.. sorry, I got caught up in a
moment".

"When our eyes meet, these words flow, change colors and sing in our silent
dialog. These are words of love, they are as old as the world, yet forever
young.
Kings leave, mountains crumble, civilizations arise and perish, but Love is
Eternal. Love makes the world go round.. and without it, world would not be
worth creating".

@@@@@@@
Previous entries are have been translated and
cross-referenced. What follows is the original, raw text,
in mixed Russian/English.
Please email me at if you'd like me to continue with translation - I could always use a little motivation boost :) @@@@@@@ * "Izvini, chto v etom pis'me net poleznoj informacii... hot'a chego stojat folianty i mnogotomnye trudy po sravneniju s odnim slovom nezhnosti, s odnoj pesnej solov'ja, s poslednim luchom solnca pered zakatom ?" * "S utra ja hotel bylo porabotat', no posle togo kak napisal pis'mo tebe (sam seb'a rastrogal pri etom :), a osobenno posle tvoego otveta, moje hvalenoje trudol'ubie' uletuchilos'. Gore-to kakoe." * "Povtor'aets'a staraja istorija - prochitav tvoe pis'mo ja ischezaju kak cheshirskij kot i ostaets'a tol'ko moja ulybka. Ostal'nye otnos'ats'a k nej s podozreniem, uver'aja, chto videli programmistov bez ulybok, no ne naoborot." * "Moj KPD stremitel'no priblizhaets'a k nul'u i ja nachinaju pobaivaets'a, chto on stanet otricatel'ym, i togda ja nachnu razbirat' oborudovanie i stirat' svoi programmy. Vot smehu-to budet." * "Spasti ot smerti golodnogo kotenka vazhnee chem poluchit' povyshenie zarplaty, a podat' nischemu poleznee, chem kupit' luchshij televizor." * "Vrode vse. Segodn'a ja vyprosil vyhodnoj, hot'a pohozhe, zr'a - doma u nas assenizacionno-politicheskie problemy , vyzvali slesar'a i mne vse ravno ne budet pokoja." * "Paradoksal'naja situacija - zanimat's'a delom neohota a prosto tak hakirovat' - stydno. V kachestve kompromissa sovershenno nichego ne delaju. Navernoe u men'a slozhnaja diagramma sovesti, kak u Dzheffa Pitersa." * "Moe mesto raboty men'a ochen' umstvenno stimuliruet - stol'ko vs'akih myslej lezet, pravda bolshinstvo s rabotoj ne sv'azannyh. I ne vse mysli umnye." * ... "(Poslednie strochki poluchilis' kak v bulvarnom romane. Vprochem, ja bylvarnyh romanov ne chital, tak chto poruchitsa ne mogu)." * "Obychno ja usheshno otbrykivajus', govor'a, chto oni uzhe chto-to sdelali s kompjuterom posle problemy,a stalo byt' nevozmozhno ee vysledit'. Na etot raz mne pozvonili po gor'achim sledam i prishlos' zasuchit' rukava i pojti obedat'. Posle obeda ja s neudovolstviem obnaruzhil, chto nikto za men'a programmu ne ispravil, drugoj offis vse esche ne obankrotils'a i ob oshibke esche ne zabyli, nesmotr'a na davnost' let. Prishlos' zan'ats'a remontom. * "Tvoj Andrej, superhaker/romantik/shahmatist/bezdel'nik." Thursday 04/17/97 Po povodu nel'udimosti - ja kazhdyj den' na rabote vraschajus' sredi l'udej i nichego, normal'no. * Dzhusty, kotorye govorili: "V win95 dobavili novuju 'close window' knopku v kazhdoe okno, juzery 3.1 budut oshibat's'a" - oni bessmyslenno borolis' za strukturu, protiv izmenenij, pust' dazhe krutyh. * Terpet' ne mogu, kodga men'a vydel'ajut iz tolpy i govor'at kakuju-nibud' pakost'. * Creative energy has to go somewhere. I can spend it, entertaining my friends. Or I can write. If I don't express at all, I feel boring. Friday 04/18/97 Mozhno vo-vrem'a ozhidanija (tipa zagruzki programmy) zanimat's'a chem-nibud' meditativnym, * Pomnish', ved' ja mechatl zadelat's'a providerom ? Vot we are i there, dude. "Chem bol'she novyh vpechatlenij, tem bol'she horoshih snov". Eto poka neizvestno, no stabil'no fantazij bol'she. Saturday 04/19/97 FAT - tozhe struktura - ja uveren, chto vnachale abbreviaturu dl'a smeha-to i podobrali. A teper' ob etom ne govor'at i esli kto-to nachinaet hihikat', na nego smotr'at, deskat' "Temnyj chelovek". * Judging goes hand in hand with ignorance. Insufficient info and lack of desire to understand. * Inogda chuvstvuju diskomfort ottogo chto ne ispolzuju brand name. What do you use ? - sprashivajut, a togo, chto u men'a v spiske net - ni PC-File v bazah dannyh, ni Omni v spiske web serverov. But they are good. Monday 04/21/97 U men'a est' spr'atannyj beleif, chto tol'ko drugie imejut pravo na chuvstva. Esli zhe i ja chuvstvuju, to vse ravno chuvstva drugih vazhnee i u nih, konechno, bol'she prichin zagnivat'. Rezul'tat - zamalchivanie svoih. Inogda vspyshki zhalosti k sebe - togda ja otygryvajus'. * S rabochej motivaciej kuda bol'she kajfa esli ja NE dumaju, chto men'a ispol'zujut/tretirujut. I dejstvitel'no, ja ne zagruzhaju seb'a bol'she, chem sam hochu - sam opredel'aju svoju skorost', sroki i kpd. A takzhe, rabotat' li voobsche ili baldet' ves' den'. * Sm fajl memory: prijatnye vospominanija. * Kstati, rabota (v otlichie ot tvorcheskogo hakirovanija) v chem-to srodni meditacii. * Konflikt - take time to enjoy victory vs pol'zovat's'a zhelaniem rabotat', poka ono est'. * Po povodu svobodnogo vremeni - pozhalel bylo, chto nekogda katat's'a, no ved' eto moj vybor - esli hochu, jamogu vstavat' v 10-11 i gon'at'. Vybor moj - mir snov ili etot. No wrong choice either. * Horosho by najti sposob ponemnogu smakovat', kogda mnogo email- vmesto togo, chtoby brosat's'a, chitat' po diagonali i skoree vse prosmotret' - okazavshis' snova s pustym mailboxom. * I hate to be the one to admit it, but even one check before running prg could save debugging time. * Those bugs I find do not result in much user feedback, but they bring peace of mind, as system gets more and more reliable. * OHOTA makes sense not only because at diff time I may have easy sol for what seems like challenge at a time. It could also be that next time I look, I'll be quite willing to look for solution. * Mozhno objasnit', pochemu malo emailov, v stile emira buharskogo - deskat' sami stesn'ajut's'a. Mozhet dobavit' kakuju nibud' pl'ushku, poprosit' otkrytym tekstom, chtob pobol'she pisali ? Vprochem, ja eto tol'ko chto sdelal, zdes' :) * A voobsche, zhit' neploho. Celi est' (v dannyj moment - haking i pripech' spammers) i kajf est' (moped! i wasp). * Look at dreams - there are worlds inside me. Beauty and adventure and women. Wednesday 04/23/97 Spokojstvie sredi buri - horosho. A kogda net buri - esche lucshe. Thursday 04/24/97 Ja otkazyvajus' i otbrykivajus', poka davlenie na men'a ne spadet. Zatem, esli ideja byl neplohoj, ja eto vse-taki delaju. Esli polyrit', sovsem neplohoj metod. * Vozmozhno, luchshaja stretegija s Poloj - eto imenno skladirovat' zakazy, a to konca i kraja ne vidno. "Bez konca, do konca". * Horosho, chto na WWW ne dogadalis' v skriptah prover'at', otkuda prishla forma - togda by form hacking nakryls'a. * Pogruzhenie v haking - zaschita ot shuma i peregruzki. No ne ot mira v celom, poetomu nichto ne meshaet mne ottajat', kogda ataka prekratilas'. Pravda ja inogda ob etom zabyvaju i kazhets'a, chto u men'a drugogo mira i net. * Admit it: Netscape's not loading even local imgs whne 'auto load images' is off is good for stealth purposes. * Space at CRL/Inlink is strictly mine - only I decide, what to use it for. Davaem priznaem, chto roman s THE i na etot raz ne poluchils'a - i krahnem ego s CRL. * Speaking of being independent - even shareware.com gives good reviews to ALL programs, while some of them are total and utter junk. * Staying permenently angry at somemody (formerly Microsoft, now - Cyberpromo/Agis) feels like having a purpose. Not what I would choose, but this one works, unlike other purposes, which feel like sinusoida. Kak Vader v "Shadows of the Empire" - "if only he could stay permanently angry...". Friday 04/25/97 When "it's best for me" doesn't feel good enough reason to keep it/ use it/be proud of it , then I go out proving that it's best for everybody and, of course, fail. Then I am no longer totally sure if it's good. Goes for REXX, for example. * Terpet' ne mogu, kogda chelovek hvastaets'a, hvastaets'a, a kogda ja hochu i chem-to svoim podelit's'a - otmahivaets'a. * Realization: I can take whatever they give me, start reading and if I don't like it - just quit. Easy, huh ? Oh-ah. * Speaking of independence, CNET reviews do NOT praise all programs. Tuesday 04/29/97 Chuvstvuju, chto acceptance dl'a men'a vsegda diko prijatno, no ja ochen' chasto pobaivajus', chto proishodit oshibka - sejchas sdelaju chto-nibud' ne to i men'a poshl'ut; uznajut, kakoj ja na samom dele - i otkazhut's'a; poter'aju sposobnost' - i bol'she budu neinteresen; obizhu - i ne prost'at; chto im i bez men'a vpolne dostatochno taska. * Primer Omnigo: vnachale idealiziroval, sejchas ochern'aju. Vozmozhnyj vyvod: vsegda neizbezhno uvizhu vse storony, tol'ko mogu eto sdelat' libo vnachale, libo zhdat', poka drugaja pokazhets'a. Global'naja teorija - k l'ud'am tozhe otnosits'a. * Fears regarding creation of mailing list: 1) Nikto ne zapishets'a 2) Vyjdet iz-pod kontrol'a, budet suschestvovat' bez men'a. * Bilif: esli ne mogu skazat' chego-to ostroumnogo, luchshe voobsche nichego ne govorit'. * Bystree, l'udi zhdut - is bullshit. Ja ne hochu eto prinimat', kak argument. * Another adv of OHOTA - sometimes I go there to make or renew request and find out that already done it!! For example, F4 letter swapping already works in cmdline! * Rush could be hiding neuverennost'. * "Perhaps Empire will realize that you are not indispensable" - said Thrawn. "On the contrary, grand-admiral" - roared Cbaoth - " I am now the only man indispensable to my Empire!" * I feel guilty when somebody else's effort is wasted, even though it could be their mistake. For example, guy sent me wrong database, I told him and then we fixed it ourselves. He fixed it too, but too late. Guilt. Kinda. A, pes s nim. * Our blessings - finger @host that gives list of users is a damned good blessing! Damned good coffee too :) * Shipilov: "Druzja, mne ochen' vazhno znat', chto vy dumaete obo vsem etom. Ne polenites' schelknut' myshkoj. Kladite svoi vpechatelenija s'uda". Mozhno kak obrazec ispol'zovat'. Friday 05/02/97 Vina, chto ja chego-to ne delaju oslabevaet, esli mne ne dali dostatochnoj informacii dl'a togo, chtoby eto sdelat'. * People can solve their problems, even if they act like they are totally unable to deal with them. * Tot fakt, chto kak tol'ko nado by poshutit' (v emaile naprimer), slova VSEGDA prihod'at, govorit o tom, chto Force men'a NE ostavl'aet. * Asphalt Philosopher: "I remember the little boy in a man's body, tough and invincible and rebellious, fighting the demons of doubt. I remember the fear of growing old and having missed something. So I missed nothing and nothing missed me. " "Darkness has no force. Light is the strength." "My hair is silver, but my heart is young and my wings are intact. " Monday 05/05/97 Possible use for wait time - find little things I didnt' have time to do - now I do have time. * Communication: "this is what i want", rather than blaming other for not guessing what I want. * Quick giving up could be caused by "Ne poluchaets'a ? Tak ne bol'no-to i nuzhno!" Monday 05/05/97 V horoshem sostojanii - dazhe v golovu ne prihodit podstraivat's'a pod plohoe nastroenie drugih. * Zhelanie pomogat' rezko padaet, kogda kazhet's'a, chto eto spokojno mogut sdelat' i bez men'a. * Kogda mne rasskazyvajut shutku po anglicki, a ja ne vrubajus', no pritvor'ajus', chto smejus', oschuschenie neplohoe - hot' i ne nastojschaja rzhaka, no pohozhe. Tuesday 05/06/97 Judge not - if you assume person to be evil, your choices are: fight, run, deceive or cope/endure. * Honesty is not about boltaT' chto vzbredet v golovu - it's about making my Deep Intent known. Once other person sees intent as non-threatening, they might be happy to help. Fear to show Real Intent - yet the Truth is, RI is more likely to succeed, because it is seldom, if ever, evil. Thus other person has no reason to counter-attack. * Chin'a to, chto ja polomal, ja mogu chuvstovat' vinu ili spokojstvie - nikto etogo ne uvidit. A spokojstvie chuvstvovat' prijatnee. Vneshne zhe ja mogu vtyrazhat' chto ugodno (hot'a by v stile Leshki Berimora). Vina i pripekanie lichno, ne dl'a reshenija - mogut ispol'zovat's'a "chtob vpred' ne povtor'alos'". * Voobshe-to, vylozhit's'a i poterpet' neudachu ne tak ploho, kak kazhet's'a. Wednesday 05/07/97 Complete answer is the right one - it's the words that do not require a specific answer to get a full picture. They are like a little copy of myself - whatever the reply is, I expressed myself completely - and I feel good about it. When I do this, I feel easy and do not worry afterwards, do not feel the need to continue conversation and change something. Such words do not necessarily come to mind first, but I do feel when I've found them - as if parts finally snapped into place and I am calm. Confirmation, from book "Conversations with God": (o, napisal nazvanie i chuvstvuju neuverennost' - kak ateisty otnesut's'a ? I hochet's'a otmezhevat's'a, chtoby men'a sluchaem ne otnesli k predstavitel'am official'noj religii) "It's is much more important how message is sent, than how it is received". * Strah - teper', kohda procent ser'eznogo materiala n astranice uvelichils'a, budut men'she chitat'. Otvetim, kak Mister First: "Nash zritel' zhdet nas!". Thursday 05/08/97 Vchera ja goreval, chto Talk ne pashet, k vecheru uspeshno ego ustanovil, a segodn'a vorchu, chto nikto na talk ne vyzyvaet. * Remember when sites 'All in one search' seemed like a mystery, an example of ingenious hacking ? Well, I can do that now. Just a perspective check - I am WAY farther than I used to be. * Po-prezhenmu neredko voznikaet zaschitnaja reakcija, kogda mne govor'at, chto na stranice chto-to ne rabotaet. * Volnujus', kogda men'aju chto-to v stranice, flazhok "KU", pojavl'ajets'a, a najti izmenenija neprosto - chego podumajut ? Monday 05/12/97 Somebody bragging that he's unbeatable doesn't really mean that he is. Especially in 3d games - there is no authority, except self-appointed ones. * Zamet' - rubaem v Quake i ni o kakih zaderzhek i rechi net - a ved' ne vsegda tak bylo - pomnish', kak u nas ran'she DOOM tormozil ? * There isn't nearly as many computer problems as users think there are. * "Make laws so people can all obey them and not have to break them to make a living when they are poor." Znakomo, a ? * Easy way to make sure I am contacted by who I want to be contacted - make 1st move myself. Simple, but unexpected. But simple. * Bilif o biznese - ja ih vizhu libo kak zhulikov, libo kak nadoedalok, vechno lezuschih s reklamoj. * Sluchajnye prijatnye prikosnovenija - I can enjoy them, why not ? Naprimer, provod ot naushnika provodit po ruke - purr! * Balans: libo provesti kontakt kak sleduet, libo gde-to sekonomit' i povysit' risk miskommunikacii. * Mozhet professional'noe otnoshenie prihodit ot togo, chto tak mnogo s chem-to stalkvaesh's'a ? Ne rzhat' zhe nad etim i noch' ? Tuesday 05/13/97 Limit poiska podverzhdenija so storony: 'yes-men' v okruzhenii. * Sometimes asking directly can feel safer than worrying and making up stuff. * Unity could mean 'no jealousy'. And working together could produce greater results that any of us alone could reach. Yet, what about socialism ? Wednesday 05/14/97 Comtemplate "permission to relax, not to be tense - when working". "Mushketery, l'ubivshie komfort, prinesli po stulu dl'a seb'a i dl'a Atosa". * Other's rage doesn't have to be mine. * When I come up with something that I think is funny, it's good idea to write it down as soon as possible, before doubts set in. * "It's not only which one method of solving problem is easier - it is also which one you would actually like to try". "Kak legko dostignut' vs. kak prijatno dostigat'". (Yuri) * Internet kak kollektivnoe soznanie - tam uzhe mozhet byt' otvet, a esli net, to mozhno sprosit'. * Mozhno, v principe, nastavit' vsezde schetchikov i posmotret', kakie imenno sekcii narod chitaet, tol'ko chto ja potom budu delat' s etimi dannymi ? Become customer-driven ? No way! * The words caused by impulse can actually be safe and satisfying for all parties, though these words may not look that way if I take time to scrutinize them. Primer iz litry: otkaz D'artan'jana ot vseh trebovanij k koroleve v konce "20 let spust'a". Thursday 05/15/97 Vstretils'a s horoshim chelovekom - prodavec mopedov v B&J. Privetlivyj i doverchivyj. Sejchas taschus' i vsem razdaju energiju - komu slovami, komu limonadom :) How about belief "There ARE good people ?". Kak v pesne "vspomni pro l'udej horoshih". Kazhets'a vpervye ]ta pesn'a nachinaet delat' smysl. Podumal, chto mozhet etim "Chicken Soup for the Soul" tak kruta - tam vse rasskazy nepridumannye, i vse - pro horoshih l'udej. * Kindness is not stupid. Preaching is. * Distinction between impulse & hurry ? * Nabl'udenie: inogda v emaile ja ischu samyle luchshie soosbchenija i nachinaju s nih, a segodn'a naoborot - otkladyvaju luchshie na potom. Mozhet potomu chto ja ne ischu v nih sposoba ukrutit' nstroenie - ono i tak horoshee. * Feeling is what it is. Subsequent inetrpretations and adjustments do not change the fact that it WAS felt. * Complete/peaceful solution does not at all mean that I have to sacrifice integrity. Somehow it manages to serve all sides. * Konflikt - hochets'a rasskzat' pro ZipMagic, no bojus' nasvinit'... sol: tell ALL - bad parts too. Friday 05/16/97 Pri perehode ot bezdejstvija k kakomu-to zan'atiju, vstupaet vina, chto: 1) Ja delaju eto, a ne drugoe. 2) Ja delaju ne to, chto polozheno. Hot'a dazhe esli sravnit' s tochki zrenija drugih - gorazdo bol'shemu chislu l'udej pol'za ot togo, chto ja dobavl'u anekdotov na stranicu, chem ot chego-to po rabote. O! 3) Drugie ne mogut zanimat's'a tem zhe. * Nado zan'at's'a etim i togda mne budet horosho VS. mne horosho i mozhno etim zana'ts'a. * My reshili vosstanovit' Diktaturu Programmista. Odin iz elementov - esli chto-to sprashivajut, o chem ja uzhe napisal v dokumentacii - rugnut', chtob chitali. * Targa came back AFTER I've made a wonder vehicle out of New Bike Machine (Doch' Antilopy). Coincidence ? I don't think so. Related to "you will be with people when you learn not to need them". Wednesday 05/21/97 Primer "what you give, comes back to you". Skazat' kompliment i otvet "Sam takoj!" budet otvetnoj pohvaloj. I kstati, v polnom sootvetstvii s Karnegi, eto srabotaet tol'ko s ISKRENNIM komplimentom. * Novyj sposob razreshenija konflikta (parkticheski primenen Jurikom). Vo vnutrennem konflikte chasto est' odno iz reshenij, kotoroe ja HOTEL BY prin'at', no ne mogu iz-za togo, chto vtoraja storona sporit. Tak vot, esli vlozhit' v usta vnutrennego protivnika mahrovye, preuvelichennye argumenty, vpolne vozmozhno chto on poter'aet ot etogo silu i stanet prosto smeshnym => proigraet spor. * Sposob vybora putem monetki. Kazhets'a, i togo i drugogo hochets'a odinakovo. Reshaju, esli vypadet orel, sdelaju tak. Brosaju, vypala reshka, dumaju: "Blin!". Stalo byt' vozmozhnosti byli NERAVNOCENNYMI. Vozmozhnoe ob'jasnenie - kogda mne nepon'atno, chego hochet's'a, ja nahozhus' v seredine konflikta. Posle togo, kak monetka upala, reshenije uzhe kak by prin'ato - ja smotr'u nazad i vizhu, chto vybral ne to, chto hotelos'. Eto odna iz variacij sposoba "iskazhenija vremeni". * Koida otgorazhivajus' ot mira naushnikami, dikoe oblegchenie postepenno perehodit v vinu, chto, jakoby nespravedlivo postupaju k ostal'nym. F**k that! I don't owe any f**ng body to feel miserable! Never! Nevermore!!! Thursday 05/22/97 Way to tell Complete Answer: when it comes, rehearsal stops and I feel at peace. Friday 05/23/97 Moja situacija chasto napominaet tu, v kotoroj by Jankel' v SHKIDe, kogda on operedil "l'ubovnuju gor'achku" na god i vse nad nim nasmehalis'. He chose to drop what's his to avoid mockery. What will I choose ? No question about it - I'll keep what I like. But I'd really want to learn to be at peace with whatever others are saying. "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing". Esche, mozhno v principe, ispol'zovat' cifry v svoju pol'zu - ved' bol'shinstvo otzyvov - polozhitel'nye. Osobenno esli k nim pripl'usovat' ves' mopednyj email, kotoryj ja poluchaju! Kstati teper' mysl' obnovit' Shuru uzhe stalkivaets'a s soprotivleniem: "Chto, iz-za drugih ? A vot ne budu!". Tuesday 05/27/97 Fakt chto horoshaja mysl' vspominaets'a i usilija rano ili pozdno voznragrazhdajuts'a - sohranenie energii ? * When somebody calls me to talk, it's easier, rejection-wise. When I call, kompleksuju more. * Esli kurenie uspokaivaet tem, chto v processe dzhust gluboko dyshit, pochemu by ne poprobovat' glubohoe dyhanie, pritvor'ajas', chto kur'u ? (O, volnujus', pravil'no li pojmut ideju - naprimer, esli mama prochtet. Elki-palki). * "Anger makes me powerful"... yeah. I kinda can relate to that - na rabote, kogda ja zl'us', sostojanie tipa "pust' poprobujut pripech', uzh ja im zadam...", hot'a oni osobo i ni pri chem. * Training and learning from others IN NO WAY brings down my individual strengths. Besides, once learned, I add my own style to whatever I am doing. * If I doubt about something and then find out it's great, what if it's the same doubts that are left - they just take form of 'what will others think ?'/'will they understand ?' Friday 05/30/97 Zhalko ispol'zovat' resursy (na WWW), potomu chto kazhet's'a, chto potom mesto budet nuzhno, a ego uzhe ne budet. Sol - combine adding stuff with cleanup for equal amount fo space. Forever in motion! * Kstati, vot voda ili ogon' - oni dvizhut's'a, a v to zhe vrem'a na meste. Tak i self-improvement - topaju vpered, no pri etom ostajus' soboj. * Nekotorye MOD-fajly nel'z'a najti nigde, a u men'a on ostalis'. Konflikt - hochet's'a podelit's'a, no mesta zhalko. So what ? Space is either used or wasted! Hey, that's Love talking! Alright, let's share. Tem bolee, chto oba fajla poluchili '5'! Monday 06/02/97 Kazhets'a, ja vo sne razmyshl'al - pomn'u, chto ehal na dryne i tiho vel s soboj besedu... vot tol'ko o chem ? * Primer togo kak dovleet struktura - horoshaja , neordinarnaja ideja vedet i uspehu... a spust'a vrem'a kazhets'a', chto tol'ko tak i mozhno delat' i esli otklonit's'a, to vse nakroets'a. Break the structure! Esche strukturnaja fign'a - sobirajus' dobavit' HTM, kotoryj budet dostupen iz russkoj i anglijskoj strnaicy i majus' - na kakom jazyke napisat' opisanie. Ili voobsche nikakogo. Stranno, kak budto 'vot eta stranica', a ja pri nej i nel'z'a uronit' marku. Vot ved' bred'atina. Kstati, sejchas v bashke est' novye ideju pro image maps. * Nothing is sick here, not if I can help it! Yeah, do the right thing, see how that feels! Regulation doesn't work! Break the hell out of it! Get things done! And satisfaction comes not from acknowledgement, but from feeling of having made right choice, feeling strong once again. Straight up, head high, STRONG! * Ohrenet', za poslednie 6 dnej, chislo chitatelej dostiglo 50 v den' (!!!). Yay!!!!!!!!!1 Friday 06/06/97 Another good reason for sharing - data can be stagnant in my hands, but will be used to the max when passed along! Saturday 06/07/97 Kogda ja single tasking, v golovu prihod'at neplohie todo. Kak budto neskol'ko otdal'ajus' ot tekuschego momenta i vizhu, chtoby esche mozhno bylo sdelat'. Tuesday 06/10/97 Vyjasnil, chto u Mihajly doma laptop 486, chuvstvuju chernuju zavist'. Sravnenie - porazitel'no vrednaja vesch', sposobnaja diko ponizit' v moih glazah absol'utnuju cennost' togo, chto est' u men'a. Poputno voznikaet zhelanie vstupit' v kapsorevnovanie. * Interesno, byvaet, kazhet's'a, chto problema reshena, poka ne postupilo novogo sil'nogo stimula izvne. Po povodu ravnovesija - ja ved' sam hvastajus' tem, chto est' u men'a, mozhet eto ko mne vozvraschaets'a takim obrazom ? Versija po povodu etogo u poslednego l'usidnogo sna - esli ja cen'u to, chto imeju, poluchu ot etogo ne men'she pol'zy, chem esli imeju bol'she, no ne cen'u. Legko mozhno razbogatet', nachav cenit' to, chto est'. I nel'z'a razbogatet', nakaplivaja veschi, no ne cen'a ih. * Confirmation, chto l'ubov' k sebe, bezuslovno est': kohda prihod'at novye fotografii, kogo ja pervym delom vysmatrivaju na snimkah ? * Dal chto-to poslushat' - vozmozhno ja rezko otbirajau, chtoby ne dumat' "Ne ponravilos'", kogda mne vozvraschajut. Thursday 06/12/97 V sorevnovanii s gazetami, note this: ja odin, kak Jankel' s "Komarom". Though, I don't have to be. Good wording for material submission, while reserving right to edit, what gets published... hey, what happened to encouraging others to create their own pages ? That actually worked and works, when looking from spirit's viewpoint, this is part of the grand plan - encourage the talent(s) to flow. * I don't mind reading rants if they don't disagree with my point of view :) Monday 06/16/97 Ego: Look for references to my page, if in some it is not mentioned, k'u. Spirit: Find all that's good out there. And share. Tuesday 06/17/97 As soon as overload starts, annoyment level grows. * Vot ja vorchu, chto v pornofil'mah igrat' ne umejut. A ved' te, kto umejut i stanov'at's'a znamenitymi - naprimer Christy Canyon. Wednesday 06/18/97 Vse chto ja sazhaju, prorastaet - no ne momental'no. * Inogda ja otvechaju na email, kak budto fehtuju - lish' by otbit's'a. I wonder if this is when contact is lost . Pattern goes like this - somestimes I answer by quoting and information amount lowers. Sometimes I wait till I want to answer - then it stays in Inbox for a while. * Kogda mne dajut poruchenie chto-to vyjasnit', ja eto delaju, a potom volnujus', poka ne dolozhu. Is this related to COMPLETE COMMUNICATION ? * Tot zhe pisatel' - pust' ego hval'at za proshlye zaslugi, no on propadet, esli perestanet sozdavat' novye knigi! * For me it's important to have something to write about - retell story, dream, anything. Humor comes in process. It is much harder to start from scratch... like where would an original idea for a story come from ? Mystery. * Observing process rather than "nu dolgo esche ostalos' ?!" is better when I can see activity going, but there is no percentage bar. For example, this is how ancient FTP's display looks like - as opposed to NCFTP. * Rush - when it feels like THIS has to be done, can't do anything else - is this rush real ? What if I let the task cool down and watch the sky instead ? Will worry intenstify or weaken ? Since I am in that state now, I'll do a test... Vspominaniju vizualizaciju - volnenie kak zony prit'azhenija. Na rabote - volnujus' o rabochih delah. Doma - o semejnyh. Po mere udalenija ot mesta volnenie oslabevaet. Thursday 06/19/97 Bugs me that I am not in "Rambler's top 100", though I don't even know who this Rambler is :) A, ku, rambler is cyr lang searcher! Davno pora! * www.anekdot.ru - interesnaja ideja - u nego est' knopki 'vote' i po nim vybirajuts'a luchshie anekdoty. A chto, neploho pridumano. Voovsche, golosovat' prijatno. A osobenno prijnto ubezhdat's'a, chto ja v bol'shinstve. Sud'a po ocenkam, anekdoty pro teschu/zehnu diko popul'arny. * Destructive pattern: "Novye druzj'a luchshe staryh" (am I still fighting that "staryj drug luchshe novyh dvuh" saying ?). Perhaps novelty... more so - no guilt yet associated with new people. Also, taking for granted what I already have. This is going nowhere. I really want to learn how to value people I know and things I have - remember how blessed I am to have them, how f**ing lucky that they are in my life. How much worse would I be without them. But boy, does guilt accumulate. And fear is in there often too. Monday 06/23/97 Email over messagevoard - kogda msg napravlen pr'amo ko mne, kak-to pochetnee. Ver'at, chto imenno ja mogu otvetit' - prijatno i hochets'a pomoch' bol'she. K tomu zhe, "esli ne ja, to kto zhe" :} Wednesday 06/25/97 When I am in a negative state, I only perceive very limited amount of info as acceptable. Yet, I cannot predict, what is there that can break my state - so I can unknowingly suppress it, thus getting stuck in negativity. Remember hypothesis - when I am down, people come to me to lift me up. Whatever it looks like, that's what they are there for - to make me feel strength again. * Feelings: "esche mozhno zan'ats'a vto etim" vs. "vse nado sdelat', i poskoree - i eto, i to, da von esche vot eto na nosu". * Entropy fighting does make breathing easier. As long as I am enjoying it, of course. * If things like link exchange are done in order to share more, it's the right reason - because it in no way attaches me to the result. Thursday 06/26/97 Shef podn'al interesnyj vopros: "Odezhda in the light of 'How I want to be perceived'". Ja podumal, chto mne legche vygl'adet' cherti-kak (naprimer nebritym i nemytym) v svete "Programmisty horosho ne odevajuts'a", "Nebritye i s gor'aschimi glazami", "On tak mnogo hakiruet, chto ni na chto drugoe vremeni net". * Ne l'ubl'u takoj situacii: poshutil i tut zhe pon'al, chto nesmeshno. * Whoa, after I linked 'longriders' from minfo.htm, it's flooded with moped posts. Coincidence ? Ha! So, how about a Moped mailing list ? That would be nice addition to that 'list of lists' that has none. Friday 06/27/97 Kogda kto-to na rabote govorit "sejchas pridu", i ne idet, vmesto avtomaticheskogo razdrazhenija mozhno prikinut': a est' li mne kajf ot togo chto pridet ? Monday 06/30/97 Interesno, sejchas Gong Kong privlek moe vnimanie i zaodno chitaju drugie novosti. Kak budto neozhidanno i to i eto interesno. * Reading email - rvus' vpered, hochet's'a prochitat' vse, a otvechat' hochet's'a ne tak sil'no... v l'uboj otdel'no vz'atyj moment chitat' hochet's'a bol'she. Rezul'tat - dazhe esli ja delay reply srazu, ja neredko speshu, chto by pochitat', chto tam dal'she. Esli zhe prochest' vse, byvaet voobsche trudno vernut's'a... hot'a naverno prochitat' vse luchshe... po krajnej mere togda ne budet speshnyh otvetov... no est' opasnost', chto pis'ma zalezhat's'a. Pofig. Chitaem vse! * To chto bystrodejstvie u mul'tizadachnost' kompa mozhet privesti k moej peregruzke sootvetstvuet idee o bystrodejstvii robotov v "Bilet na planetu Tranaj". * Moderated list: L: Mnogo prijatnoj vozni, "Zdes' vse ot men'a zavisit". F: Chto esli nadoest, otvetstvennost' Unmoderated; L: Will live without my intervention. F: A ja chto budu delat' ? Otvet: Chitat' & otvechat' tozhe. Kak na longriders, tol'ko esche luchshe. Pozhaluj pravda. * Now, there's a plus of moped list - posts that I like to read anyway, coming to my doorstep. And more of them too! Tuesday 07/01/97 Advantage of listing tasks separately on the list - when 1 is done, I can mark it as such, rather than waiting for all parts to be complete. Prijatno pritormozit', sdelat' shag nazad i zacenit', chto uzhe sdelano. Esli etogo ne delat', gonka ne imeet konca. * Atas! Vchera byl sozdal "Moped mailing list" i 4 cheloveka podpisalos'. Ja proveril noch'ju - chislo uvelichilos' do 7, a sejchas uzhe do 9!! Wednesday 07/02/97 Ogo, odin paren' iz .ru otozvals'a na "L'usidnye Sny" i dazhe had one! * IE - men'a diko besit, kogda ja klikaju, a on sovershenno ne reagiruet- status line pustaja, kak budto ja nichego i ne vvel. I v obschenii s l'ud'mi men'a eto tozhe inogda vyvodit. Mozhet i ja - samozavod'aschijs'a ? (Kstati, IE ispravils'a posle togo kak ja vernuls'a iz gal'juna) Thursday 07/03/97 Opyt - pri pervom neudachnom vzdohe, step back and see if we are still OK, on the big scale. * Esche, kogda nachinaets'a vnutrenn'aja speshka, mozhno ostanovit's'a i posmotret', ne hot'at li drugie pomoschi. Ha. * Terpet' ne mogu, kogda mne zadajut vopros, a potom ne mogut dozhdat's'a otveta. V sledujsuchij raz mozhet voobsche ne zahochet's'a otvechat'. * Ili naprimer zadat' sebe vopros: "What do I do next, chtoby otleglo ?" Kogda ja etogo voprosa ne zadaju, to delaju to zhe samoe, chto delal, tol'ko bystree i intensivnee. Perhaps there is another way. * Sometimes I procrastinate because I hate doing something. There is alt - pay a little, so they do it for me. Goal is reached - task is done. I invested money instead of time/effort. * Here is an easy formula to tell what voice speaks for Fear and what for Love - one tries to disconnect me, the other - to keep me together. First can use persuasive words like "pride", "safety", "consistency", "innocence", while second actually wants me to be with people I like - no wordplay. Tuesday 07/08/97 Pochemu trudno chitat' knigi po chast'am (kak rekomendujut avtory "Chicken soup for the soul"): 0) Drugie knigi perebivajut. 1) Kazhet's'a, chto esli srazu ne proglotil knigu, to ona ne bol'no-to interesnaja - trudnee k nej vernut's'a. * Ekxersis: deep breath and imagine that all tension is leaving body on exhale. Klassno, pochti ejforicheskoe chuvstvo. Is that what they meant by 'light-headed' ? Mozhet eto pravda, chto v kurenii uspokaivaet ne dym, a glubokoe dyhanie ? V sochetanii s zevkom na vydohe - ku! I esche predstavl'aju, chto negativnoe v vide lucha exits. * Getting back into flow: Calm down (baby); see who I can call and who might want me to call them; see what can be done for others/self (the order is ok, since most stuff in OHOTA is for self anyway). * Pomog uborschice vysypat' korzinki v bols'shoj musornik i po hodu nashel otlichnye lejbly s nomerami, kotorye sobiralis' vybrosit'. Aga! Wednesday 07/09/97 Pl'us v pohode v parikmaherskuju - mozhno poobschat's'a v processe. Legko i zabavno. * Vot te na, okazalos', chto Mandela vse-taki govoril rech' pro "our deepest fear" - confirmation is at http://www.reggaefest.com/. * File transfer indicator - "can't stop us!". * Nekotorye versii anekdota "bip-bip" pr'amo dyshat zhelaniem avtomobilistov, chtob ih zametili. Bedn'agi, beznadega ved'! Mashin t'ma. Thursday 07/10/97 Whoa! Ja 10 let uchils'a v shkole i bol'she goda moja linija shla cherez telefonnuju sistemu, tormoz'a. A sejchas eto bezobrazie prekratilos' (spasibo x2 linetest!). Go, Speed! Mozhno pogorevat' o tom, kak dolgo ja byl na plohoj linii. A mozhno pomechtat' o tom, kak klassno budet teper'! * Ja vchera bojals'a, chto narod razbezhit's'a - iz Moped List vyshlo 2 dzhusta. No vchera zhe voshel odin novyj, a segodn'a - esche 3! * Mihajla pripek, chto etot razdel dvujazychnyj. Ja otbojarils'a, no vesu pribavilos'. Sol ? Do nothing. * Excellent state - kogda vspominat' mozhno legko i s gumorom. Friday 07/11/97 Samoregul'acija - narod prihodit i uhodit iz moped list - ostajuts'a te, kto gotov celymi dn'ami boltat' o mopedah => more traffic from them => list is better. Kinda like estestvennyj otbor. BTW, 'unscubscribe' command works well when used right - 2 left automatically. * Intent readjustment - hochu pokazat', kak rabotaet novaja programma, chtob ne putalis'. Iskazhenie - zhdu blagodarnosti za usovershentvovanie. Ne poluchaju i vorchu. * Analogija: Zlostnaja struktura/perebor/izmenenie. Pravitel'stvo/gajki/revol'ucija. * ARTEM.MID - helps mood boost when the plan is "Ja hochu byt' v horoshem sostojasnii". * Another good view of progress indicator - on dvizhets'a pod muzyku. * Confirmed - I am hurt when I don't love. When I start loving, I come back to life! And there is many, many more ways to love than just one - more people, more deeds (bol'she didov). * Kstati, imenno v taske pod muzyku mozhno pechatat' bystro i tochno. PLAY! * When helping others leads to overload, resetment may appear. But - handling overload is MY task. Monday 07/14/97 Bol' v zhivote mozhet byt' priznakom worry, tak zhe kak poter'a dyhanija. Wednesday 07/16/97 When I view comp as miracle, rather than something that has to perform very specific task, waiting is much easier. State is close to mediation. * Kogda ja smotr'u na kakoj-to task i reshaju ne sv'azyvat's'a, proishodit confidence drop. Poprobuem tak: posle otkaza zanimat's'a etim, skazhu sebe "It's OK". Friday 07/18/97 Not looking at the score improves performance ALWAYS. (V bowlinge - slival po-chernomu, perestal smotret' na tablo i v rezul'tate okazals'a na 2m meste iz 4h!) See if this can be done in Quake - perhaps setting that disables frag count display until end of level. * Kogda zadajut vopros, mozhno otvlech' vnimanie sprashivajuschego - esli on i tak peregruzhen, chances are on zabudet, zachem sobstvenno prishel. Monday 07/21/97 Garmonija l'ubvi - ot kogo-to poluchat' vs'u (mnogo?) l'ubov' i otdavat' ej zhe. * Stereotip mozhet sluzhit' dl'a otmezhevanija, naprimer: "Stuff that is second knowlege to anyone but give me a break I'm a blond." Sohranno byt' v gruppe l'udej, pro kotoruju net anekdotov :} * Novost' - okazyvaets'a vse zhenschiny razdrazhitel'ny za neskol'ko dnej do menstruacii. Podi ty. Ladno uzh, tol'ko ne meshalo by etoj informaciej delit's'a - chego muzhukam zr'a stradat' ? * Fermer ne dal sest' vozdushnomu sharu. Vspomnili Liviju i vspomnil diskussiju pro prava ne puskat' gul'ajushcih skvoz' svoi vladenija. Pozhalujsta. Tuesday 07/22/97 Kak mozhno vyigrat' sorevnovanie v molchalivosti ? a) Izmenit' status vyskazyvanija - ne skazal, a podumal. Ved' na eto otvet ne trebuets'a. (tried - success!!!) It could be law of mind thing - wait, poka seed prorastet. * Oschuschenie bessmyslennosti podsekaet motivaciju. * Naprimer, chelovek byl pevcom, rubal let 5 v molodosti, i etim izvesten. A chto on delal sledujsuchie 50 let ? Mozhet nichego net strannogo, chto vozvraschajuts'a gruppy iz 60h. * Primer, chto put' min soprotivlenija chasto pravil'nyj: opening packages. * When I begin to see my choices, it's easier to notice what Love and Fear each suggest. * Teorija o krugovorote zhulikov: vchera kto-to sper u Dzho koshelek, zato chuvak, kotoryj ne platit za Omnigo objavils'a i izvin'aets'a. Versija - est' mesto tol'ko dla' odnogo zhulika, kogda pojavl'aets'a novyj, drugoj ischezaet. * Abundance: I went to the vending machine and decided to get soda for everybody. But I needed 10 cents more. So I thought "Maybe there is a coin on the floor ?". I kneeled down, looked - and there was a quarter! * Otvet prostoj: "Get in the flow." Next question usually is "How ?". A: "Get aware of what you are doing right now => change state => eventually start flowing". Slow down and look close at what you are doing - feel it. Slowing down this way can also be good idea when haste attacks. Affirm that I have right to be calm, no matter what. Sejchas ispytyavju potr'asajuschee chuvstvo vnutrennego spokojstvija. Netorpolivost', plavnost', nabl'udenie. ���!!! Friday 08/08/97 L'uboe zan'atie - potencial'naja meditacija. As long as you do it for itself, rather than to get it over with. Odin iz primerov - sizhu v probke, gl'azhu na ladon' "Master slova i klinka, on gl'adit v svoju ladon'". * FIngerprints and faces are all diff - suggest that each personality is also unique and unrepeatable (never before, never again). BTW, this also confirmed by the fact that DNS combinations are in astronomical numbers. * Learning - ja protivl'us' vs'akogo roda obucheniju, dazhe kogda mne hot'at pokazat' novuju igru - potomu chto diko neprijatno, kogda ob'jasn'ajut, a ja ne vrubajus'... v svoju ochered' strah pered etim skovyvaet i ja ponimaju huzhe esli mne-taki nachinajut obj'asn'at'. * Another way to improve dyhanie - look at hand closely (pishu i dumaju - pojmut li ? Pofig! Ja pishu dl'a seb'a, remember ? Except protecting innocent, there is no editing). Monday 08/11/97 Sometimes I am afraid to ask question becasue I am afraid the answer will be too long.. or might get irrelevant. Sol: as soon as specific question is answered, lower the attention. * Haking takes a hit the moment I accept limitation... like "I can't program windows", "I can't do graphics", "I don't dig object-oriented programming". That's the reason for insecurity - not the fact that REXX is my language of choice. * Chitaju life.c/life.hlp - napisano v 1990. no anglijskij v polnom por'adke! For the most part :) * Kartinka iz "Peanuts", gde mal'chishka zahotel igrat' v klassiki, kogda emu obj'asnili, chto eto, deskat', minnoe pole. Tuesday 08/12/97 Don't like delays in process - afraid to fall back into passive state. * Napominat' l'ud'am o tom, chto ja prosil ? Ili predpolozhit', chto esli oni sdelajut, to i sami vspomn'at mne eto otdat' ? 2nd viewpoint is more trusting... there is anxiety in "they've probably forgotten what I asked! I must remind!". Wednesday 08/13/97 V Zen * Javascript postojanno upominajut japoncev v sv'azi s enlightement (tradicii, rezhim dn'a, sposobstvujuschie reflection-u) i u men'a postojanno voznikaet vozrazhenie - chego zh oni togda v zavoevateli podalis' ? * Let's just learn JS - kommercheskoe primenenie pridet pozzhe. Fact is, I'll have the knowledge. * Esche odin pl'us: JS - vot naprimer ja dopishu "Life" i polozhu na stranicu - dl'a vseh. S drugimi jazykami ne tak prosto. Thursday 08/14/97 Plan to do something when I get there. Rush to get there. Yet I needn't do anything while I am still here. * Flow often starts by accident. Is there a way to make such accidents more likely to happen ? Would they still remain accidents ? I can be in the same place, doing same thing, yet feeling totally different. * Creating reality - from immaterial decision to start Mlist physical things are beginnings to materialize: ideas for moped rally, alt.moped newsgroup and improving moped regulations. Oh yes, also rumors "mopeds are becoming popular again" and "Motorcycle Product News" asking dealers 'Are you planning to begin offering mopeds/scooters in the next 12 months ?'. * Chtot-est' v dvizhenii mira vo-vrem'a hod'by. Dazhe esli idti na meste on pokachivaets'a i kak budto otklikaets'a. * I may end up losing sattus of central figure if moped newsgroup takes off... yet get this - without Moped List there'd never be an alt.moped! (and personally, I prefer mailing list to newsgroup - if a subject is such that I want to read every single article). * Running program that's just about to start working is adrenaline rush! Friday 08/15/97 Programming - gratification is in process. Inspiration, ideas, adrenaline, chase and victory! Self-esteem too. No matter what I say, praise is simply a nice side effect. * Ja l'ubl'u puteshetvovat'. No ne vdal', a vshir' - zachem ehat' v drugoj gorod, kogda v svoem rajone ujma neizvedannyn mest ? * Get into flow - can watch how perspective and sounds change while walking. * "What human beings Can do is absolutely amazing! What they Will do is usually disappointing". Anthony Robbins * I'll find a way to be useful when newsgroup alt.moped appears and possibly takes over mlist. Like I can begin answering myself to qs mailed to me - now I forward them to mlist for the large part - even those where I could do web research myself (result will be better answers, since forwarded qs can remain unanswered). Monday 08/18/97 Strength of haking: internal drive rather than others motivating me. It's also not whether find it impressive, but mindset, way of looking at problems. Persistense, azart, creativity. Thursday 08/21/97 Strogost' interpretatora - kak glupost' cheloveka: ne ponimaet, poka vse emu ne razlozhish' po polochkam. Friday 08/22/97 Validation: prijatno chitat' pohvaly programme, kotoruju ja vybral (v dannom sluchae - Opera). Tuesday 08/26/97 Side effect of zhurnal.htm - I tend to write MORE outside of this file, say in IRC or EW. * Somedays (like today), comm comes easy - with everybody. I don't even have to go thru that struggle - it's actually what I want - to interact. Wednesday 08/27/97 Vizualizacija: kogda igraet muzon, kazhdyj shag prodolzhaet melodiju. * Mozhno snova proniknut' v UMSLovskie laby - libo kak alumni, libo dazhe ustroits'a konsul'tantom po vyhodnym. * Ideja - pro plohom nastroenii nachinaj tvorit' (naprimer, hakirovat'). May help, since creativity is linked to superconsious, which provides endless supply of energy. * Judgement could feel like completion of sentence - for example, if I state the fact, but not evaluation, I seemingly invite other to evaluate. And I don't like when other's evaluation is different from mine :] Tuesday 09/02/97 As soon as I pass 'not guilty' verdict, person may show up and totally aquit himself. Primer: pered podstavkoj velosipedov stojala hrenacija, zagorazhivajuschaja prohod. Ja podumal, chto eto dvornik ustraivaet sabotazh. Ubral ee, snachala skazal: "Vot, zlodej", a potom smenil ocenku "Prosto on borets'a za svoju energiju (a la Celestine Prophecy)". Cherez sekundu pokazals'a on sam. Sprosil, nravit's'a li nam podstavka, ja poblagodaril. Ja skazal, chto ubral hrenaciju, on govorit: "Da, eto navernoe deti noch'ju pritaschili, chtob v hokkej igrat'". * C.P. govorit, chto pervyj shag k polucheniju energii izvne - eto uvidet' krasotu. V etom mozhet byt' energija hakinga - iza'schnoe reshenie problemy est' Krasota! * C.P.: Get energy from objects by feeling Love. Hey, I did this with computer - when it didn't boot and I remembered, that despite that, I totally love computers. And then it booted! (God, I don't feel like sharing this. Fear. Well, it's better that I wrote this at all. Since there's no feedback on zhurnal... well, I can do both - quit or continue. * Complete answer - it does NOT contain counterattacks, even if I am unjistifiably accused. Answer is detached from other person and my reaction to his way of expression. Therefore, it ends up surprisiginly non-agressive. WOW! * When we disagree, how else conversation go, if not 1) Arguing. 2) Cutting short. What would be the cont if there was no need to gain energy ? If I had total confidence in my viewpoint ? Now, even with subjects I know well, I am afraid that listening to non-matching voice will confuse me. Wednesday 09/03/97 Edu na rabotu, vokrug - krasota! Opazdyvaju, ni viny ni straha ne chuvstvuju. Vozmozhno, sila Light Side v trom chto beuty est' vezde ? * Nenavizhu otricatel'nye obobschenija tipa "it never works!" * Golosa na bg, probivajuschies'a skvoz'; muzyki - mozhno percept ih, kak pevcov. Naprimer ran'she, vse po-anglijski kazalos' interesnym i zagadochnym... a kogda slova probivajuts'a skvoz' muzon, smysla vse ravno ne pon'atno. * Primery veschej, ot kotoryh ja otbrykivals'a, a potom protaschils'a (kstati, attituda "hochu vse sn'at'" really helps): 1) Disko. 2) Hitchiker's guide to the galaxy. 3) Computers. 4) Chess. Sejchas ja otmezhevyvajus' ot 1) Dance (kstati, po toj zhe prichine, chto i vse predyduschee - "u men'a ne poluchit's'a"!) * Sometimes attempt to control how long the activity will last comes from fear that other may get bored first. * After energy loss automatic reactions are: Strike the attacker (results in fight and guilt) Get isolated to prevent further leak (results in prolonged down state). Possible alternative is refill. Problem: no desire to open up. Watch for possible IP. * MSN demo - sdelano virtual'no, l'udi privetstvujut... tak klassno!!! Ochen' prijatno. Monday 10/13/97 Complete action - independent of other's reply (as opposed to act that waits for other before proceeding). Parallel with complete communication - common feature is CALM before response. * Protest ne protiv goals, a protiv cherno-belosti, kotoruju vyzyvaet izlishnee fokusirovanie. Napr: "Ja chitaju tol'ko Internet World". Parallel': "I don't always know, where the flow is". * Suggested sol to "I look at the list, see something I am guilty about/not motivated and I can't go on": move it to the other end of list and keep reading. Shuffle. * Na voprosy "Gde rabotaesh'" i "na chem programmiruesh'", mnus'. Ladno, nashej kompanii ne znajut... no ved' i my ob ihnej skoree vsego ne slyhali. Op'at', zhe REXX - pust' ego ne znajut... a ja, chto znaju kakoj-nibud' tam Sybase ? Ili voobsche, SQL ? A chto ja delaju, kogda ne znaju ? Kivaju s umnym vidom, chtob ne ulichili. Heh. * Fil'my s caption pomogajut v'ehat', kak imenno pishut's'a mezhdometija. Naprimer, whoa=vou. * Rabota - horoshee zan'atie - vo-vrem'a nee prihod'at novye idei (neob'azatel'no rabochie) i mozhet pojti flow. * Composer speaks thru his music. Don't ask for more from him. * When I see a task and think "I can't do it" or "It's useless", motivation drops. There are answers to both: 1) It may be easier than it seems... usually is, once I decide I'll do it. 2) Nothing it useless - if it gets me moving, it's ALREADY USEFUL. Monday 10/20/97 Male: + help, - fight Female: + heal, - poison Tuesday 10/21/97 New def for bad situation: "I'm on the rise. On the bottom, but going up". * After data loss - you will be surprised how fast I will recover what I really WANT. Energy. And that's the way to go. No matter what happened I will restore status quo and do better. And you know why ? When I restart from scratch, my sight is not limited by "leave things as they are", so I can improve on them!! (later) Feeling of doom is being replaced with positive expectation. Oh, yes. BTW (there was reason for me losing "don't sweat over small stuff" book for a few days - gave me time to reflect and apply). Trying sovet: "Count to 10 while taking deep breaths". Gl'uk! Wednesday 10/22/97 Heavy emotion - when there's feeling, but no adequate way to express it... but it wants to be expressed. One of sols - isolate from feeling. Or become aware of this need and see - maybe there's a way to express. Awareness may overcome denial. After all, maybe saying "Sochuvstvuju" is all that's required of me. * Possible implementation of "improve state before trying to attack problem": do something else... find something good, dive in, enjoy... and... there we are :) Est' takoe sostojanie. And then go back and resolve tensions that might have been created while down. And find creative sols to same problems that seemed to anger me earlier. A, I remember. Shef napomnil mne pro shlem - i fall began. (Anticipated chore, as opposed to anticipated pleasure). Yep, that's the one - feel tension and less air. *back to meditation* Heh - check this for justification: "It's important to sidet' v m'agkom kresle, ne dvigat's'a i gluboko dyshat'". Yes, sir! * Medidate on pulse - it doesn't fail even when I observe it (unlike, for example, balance on narrow board) Thursday 10/23/97 Hey, maybe I can listen to surroundings same way I did to skaner ? Just background activity - not mine, but keeps me in touch with the world. Monday 10/27/97 When upload is in progress and 'estimated time to completion' increases - it's like fantazija "chem bol'she igrajut, tem dol'she do konca igry". * Confirmed - when looking at list of tasks and see one or two that I don't want to do, there goes motivation altogether. Sol - resort the list - move farther these tasks. * Meditacija - voda otrazhaets'a na stene. * Kogda juzer men'a zasypaet men'a zaprosami: 1) Beta testing. 2) She's taking opportunity while I am responsive. (When not, I just mychu v otvet). Tuesday 10/28/97 Vozmozhno chto vseobschee druzhel'ubie ko mne (na rabote) - rezul'tat random kindness. I iskrennih komplimentov. There is never direct or immediate connection. Kinda like with energy... or moods for that matter. Learning. * Ja chasto slyshu slovo "podderzhka" i chestno govor'a, u men'a ono associiruets'a s kartinoj "bityj bitogo vezet". Usilenie - eto kuda bol'she chem podderzhka. Eta dva cheloveka, kazhdyj s odnim, bezpoleznym, krylom, no kogda im udaets'a obn'at' drug druga za plechi, oni vzmyvajut v nebo!! Wednesday 10/29/97 Protiv volnenija: "I don't have or need to solve this problem NOW". * Looks - superhaker, kto prilichno vygl'adit, nichut' ne stanovit's'a menee talantlivym i krutym. Thursday 10/30/97 Method - when feel energy being lost, visualize recharge. * Shortcut - "chelovek ne ot mira sego". Ego original - v drugom mire. Kogda ubili Hrista, on ne byl unichtozhen - prosto ischez ego shortcut v nashem foldere. Find Target - najti seb'a. Proverit', shortcut li ja ? * Novoe, neprivychnoe ubezhdenie (a la Cat): "Looking good is important" Friday 10/31/97 Telling the truth may help others to understand my true motives. Keep in mind that in absence of info, worst can be easily assumed - the way I assume worst. Saturday 11/01/97 To keep moving forward, I should skip nothing - applies to replying to email, for example. Answer, move, or delete - but if you skip message, energy is drained instantly. * Neverending internal dialog could be result of denial - aloud I say I am innocent, while inside voice keeps repeating I am guilty. It just happened. Well, what do you know - as soon as I admitted INSIDE that it's my fault too, the voice STOPPED! Monday 11/03/97 Kogda men'a pripekajut sdelat' chto-to skuchnoe po rabote, a ja otrugivajus', u men'a men'she zhelanija voobsche rabotat'. * Downloading meditation. Multitasking syst is a must, yet, there's something relaxing about leaving dl in fg and watching it. * Reading email s operezheniem - process several old msgs before jumping to a new one. Wednesday 11/12/97 Udivitel'no kak prijatno i dazhe legko chego-to dobivat's'a, kogda chego-to hochet's'a. Kstati, byl segodn'a an detskom stadionchike - predlozhil tam volonterstvovat'! Thursday 11/13/97 Short attention span is good for finding 'what else to do'. It's not as hot when I want to concentrate on one task. If I cannot complete it because of distractions, apathy may follow. Monday 11/17/97 Povozivshis' s 14.4 u shefa doma, pochuvstvoval, naskol'ko bystraja shtuka - X2! * Nakatila depressija po povodu "Chto ja tut delaju, na etoj rabote ?" Kogda doshlo do ruchki, nachals'a otliv (heh, ja skazal 'otliv'): 1) Tut svoboda. 2) Ne otstaju ot progressa. 3) Baldeju. 4) V osnovnom nachal'stvo podderzhivaet. * Kogda ja sam stal iskat' "fat-free" produkty, ja uvidel chto ih sovsem-sovsem malo. A ran'she mne kazalos', chto ot nih otboju net, vezde pishut etu fign'u :) Tuesday 11/18/97 Pripodn'atoe nastroenie i oschuschenie nuzhnosti - kogda u men'a sprashivajut uslugu, kotoruju ja mogu s udovol'stviem okazat'. Wednesday 11/19/97 Inner tranqulity (gained today after "walk around the lake" meditation) can easily be combined with fun and make-believe wild emotions. Thursday 11/20/97 Here's something for conscious mind to do - make sure I do one task at a time... when possible. Eating without reading still seems hard :) Also, perhaps pausing between tasks may be beneficial. Relax, give yourself credit... that sort of thing. (O, chuvstvuju strah chto nachal'stvo prochtet... hot'a vr'ad li). Friday 11/21/97 When there's high potential of being distracted, perhaps pick a task that's interruptable ? Saturday 11/22/97 V fil'me gde Lemmon i Matto delali reportazh o sbezhavshem ubijce - ledi pozhalela ego ne kak socialista, a kak cheloveka. * Quick replies and comebacks often come from associations and as such, are directly related to state of mind. Can it be used the other way around ? Get asked, get assoc going => improve state ? Monday 11/24/97 Here's why apathy and rush may coincide - I am anxiously waiting for something to happen to make me feel better. * If I want something to be done Exactly the way I want - I should do it myself. * Typical deadlock - when I should be doing something, but /. Then, my attempts to do something else are suppressed by guilt/fear. * Otlynivat', kogda ne hochets'a pahat' - eto luchshee reshenie, chem dolbit' skvoz' silu. Esli ja mogu uvlechenno lenivit's'a (i ne vinit' s'a) pri etom, vpolne vozmozhno, chto state change will follow and then I'd be able to do other things. Friday 11/28/97 The only way you can reject nicely (without getting nasty toward self or other) is to feel no guult over rejecting. Contemplate that. * Pripek En za to chto sozhrali lanch - ona kontrakatakovala, deskat' ona dumala, chto na budu utrom rabotat'. Bred'atina, no vazhno ne soderzhanie, a process: ataka-zaschita-kontrataka. And then everybody feels bad :] * Po povodu smeny raboty - vse ot men'a zavisit. Esli drugaja ne budet ZAMETNO prijatnee, ja tuda ne perejdu. Nikto men'a zastavit' ne mog i nikogda ne smoget. * Feeling victimized is a choice. Yet, it's pleasant when other person does something to make it up to me. * Predstav', chnto u men'a est' Cel' v zhizni - chto-to vazhnoe, chto daet mne sily i k chemu ja streml'us'. Esli eto tak, to chem by ja ne zanimals'a, ja mogu ostanovit's'a i vspomnit': "U men'a est' cel', ne zr'a zhivu". I dazhe kogda nechego delat', ne beda, potomu chto kogda cel' est', to zan'atie najdet's'a. A teper' parallel'. Sizhu na rabote, mne porucheno najti 40000 telefonov. Kogda ja eto dodelaju neizvestno. Ja sebe otvlekajus',chitaju www, slushaju muzon, knizhku listaju - i pri etom pomn'u "U men'a est' Cel' - mne nuzhno dodelat' etot proekt. Kogda mne nadoest' baldet', men'a zhdet interesnoe, neslaboe delo". Vot. No ved' smotri, oshuschenie pustoty prihodit kogda proekt zavershen - mozhet byt' imenno poetomu - ved' ischezla cel' ? Vot esli by ja sidel tut na rabote bez slozhnogo zadanija, mne bylo by otkrovenno skuchno, hot'a ves' toto zhe baldezh - www, irc, muzyka, kniga byli by pod rukoj! * Another reason to be with people - with them, it's very hard to feel apathy. Nearly impossible. Monday 12/01/97 Mars-Venera - ponedel'nik utrom, zhenschiny nachinajut uvlechenno boltat', a men'a sama mysl' ob etom uzhasaet. Barrikadirujus'. * Balans - rubaet muzon, nachinaju rasslabl'at's'a - i tut pytaets'a vlezt' vina, chto nikogo ne slushaju. * Bardak sovmestnyh proektov, a imenno, razdelenja truda - v tom chto nevozmozhno obespechit' mertvye linii. Tuesday 12/02/97 God, I am strong when I have a goal! There comes powerful communication - both gentle and firm, attentive and all-combining. There's the flow again! I felt confident for a second - and held the feeling. Then the calls made - and boy, there were powerful! In a way, like a sale - rapport - for a duration of talk, there's unity with person I'm speaking with, desire to listen, understand, learn and bring up my point too. And then goals are reached, what had to be said, has been said... and then what ? How do I want to feel and what do I do ? * HTML - determined effort (easy effort, in fact) - and once again we're in the lead! * Hey, knowledge of Web + excellent HTML editor lead to spectacular results! Are days of HTML coding over ? Nah, not yet :) * I rule, man! I totally rule! I overrule! Wednesday 12/03/97 Primer togo, kak energija prit'agivaet - kogda ja na kone, juzery prihod'at s interesnymi zaprosami. Thursday 12/04/97 Visualization for energy recharging - hot air ballon being filled. Tuesday 12/09/97 Kogda task slishkom slozhnyj i ja pytajus' otvlech's'a perekl'ucheniem, est' risk, chto ja usilivaju peregruzku. Wednesday 12/10/97 Savor problems - they are like emails - something to do and feel meaning while doing it. * There's progress, even when I feel that things are not moving. Suddenly I am surprised to see that I fixed something that seemed "put away forever". * I become vulnerable to feeling of failure once I go from hypothesis testing to assumption "now it's fixed". Just got registry error - I felt "disaster! all failed!" rather than "another round ahead". Friday 12/12/97 "Cheredovanie umstvennogo i fizicheskogo truda" - are actually "cheredovanie vvoda info & meditacii" * Adv of verbose mode is this - it may remind me how much work really is going on, say, during internet transactions. * INdecision is often result of conflict - don't know what will be better. I put it off... in the meantime I may or may not find the decisive argument toward one of the choices. * Razdrazhenie na teh, kto otvlekaet mozhet byt' tipa kak v "Brilliantovoj Ruke": "D'aden'ka, vy chto ?" - "Ne meshaj!". To est' "Don't break my state, I am trying to improve my state" :):) Learning to see possibilities can make task easier - I will not have to think everytime, how to do Interupt Pattern myself . * "Glavnoe ne stat' uznikom svoego imedzha i ne prevratit's'a v parodiju." Wednesday 12/17/97 Solidarity is a great feeling. What can I do to fell it more often ? * Rabochaja situacija takaja - ja tut nuzhen pozarez, nezamenim. S drugoj storony, i druguju rabotu mne budet najti ochen', ochen' legko. Rezul'tat ? No fear. Relax. * I figure there are times to be in receving mode - when other is giving all kind of stuff, my task is to be open and receive all I can :) Thursday 12/18/97 When in creative, versatile state, people are drawn by the energy. Conversatins, ideas, jokes - you name it. Fun too. * Emotion attached to fact may depend on state. Also, state resulted from fact may go thru emotion. * Parallel' - sovetskij princip "snachala otrugat', potom prin'at' zagranichnoe" i to zhe samoe v moem podhode. Saturday 12/20/97 Intercepting anxiety early - just observed it - I started download, while it's going, thought I'd do something else... and there was anxiety. Here's alt (for not-too-big downloads) - watchs CPS, see if it breaks the record. * Faith in winning dissipates when other is progressing faster. Tuesday 12/23/97 Another example when inaction can be solution - something worries me, I let it slide for a while and next day - what they heck - I don't really care anymore. Somehow relevant to theory of Worry/gravitation zones, only now it's in time - more time passed, worry is less (or none). Wednesday 12/24/97 More work in selecting songs results in collection that's easier to access and more pleasant to listen to. Tuesday 12/30/97 Vse-taki bez l'udej byvaet hrenovo. Vot 1ja smena konchilas', narod uplyl i ja zagrustil.