Index page
1. Glossary
2. Personal Enthropy
3. Fears and Conflicts
4. More Inner Conflicts
5. Closet Rebel
6. Observations
7. States of Mind
8. Watching my Feelings
9. Past and Future
10. Automatic Thoughts
11. Self and Others
12. Manipulation
13. World as a Game
14. Inanimate Objects
15. Surfing Scientology
16. 90% Power Solution
16. Feeling Resourceful
17. Intent vs Manifestation
18. A Matter of Trust
19. Levels of Evil
20. The Dark Side
21. Tao of Biking
22. Lose-Lose => Win-Win
23. Approval
24. Conversation is Over
25. Annoyance
26. How the Mind Works
27. Empathy - friend or foe?
28. Life is Actually Perfect
29. Compassion, Structure, Inner Judge
30. "I am kind", Feeling Love
31. Procrastination, slowing down
All The Rest
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Tuesday 02/25/97
When intution gives me right words to say, I sometimes begin
mentally repeating them over and over, as if rehearsing with
imaginary person.
This reminds me of the "do not interfer with God's business".
It is also like taking car to the shop and then standing
there and giving advice to the mechanic instead of trusting
him to do his job.

It works for others too - sometimes they give me a job to do
but they think it's gonna go better if they stand behind
me and ofer 'helpful' advice.
Pretending that you hate the project seems like a good way to avoid
a followup question ("Who assigned this to you?") - they did
this in "Ghostbusters 2" when they were digging a road and
a cop showed up.

Friday 02/28/97
Some quotes from alt.recovery.codependency:

"Compassion is hearing someone's problem without getting
involved in it yourself.  You simply understand the other person.
When you start worrying and obsessing, that is no longer compassion.
It's codependency."

"Years ago I would spend miserable hours waiting for "him" to call, come
home, whatever . . . all those lost hours focused on "the other."  When
whoever "he" was at the time was obviously simply doing what he wanted -
not thinking about me."

"When I express myself ONLY, I am in touch with actual experiences.
  When I choose to be " other directed ", I don't know if I am in touch
  with accurate interpretations, assumptions, speculations, of experiences
  as they truly exist"

"The journey is the destination"

"I will remember to FIRST put the oxygen mask on me--then help others."

"Healthy detachment acknowledges the problem, accepts
powerlessness over it, and chooses to no longer invest
needless emotional energy into the problem."

Monday 03/03/97
Glass half-empty/half-full is applicable when looking at
a progress indicator for a long task - instead of
"how much longer will it take", look at "cool, a lot
has been done already!"
Watch it grow, but without specific goal in mind.
When sleepy, the connection between sounds and their
interpretation gets weaker - adds a feeling of mystery.
Old emails - make a distinction between letters which don't
deserve a reply and those that do (but I felt lazy to
reply when I first received them).
Stomach pain seems to correlate with stress - so does
shallow breathing.

Tuesday 03/04/97
Personal Entropy:
When I almost decided to begin a serious task, it tells
me: "Then you will also need to do this one",
"Are you forgetting about that other one?".
Few seconds and I feel immobilized due to overload.

Thursday 03/06/97
Belief in positive self image is negatively affected by many
"should's", which I do not obey.
Quotes from Scout Cloud Lee - "The Circle is Sacred"

"When we acknowledge that all of life is sacred and that each act is an act
of choice and therefore sacred, then life is a sacred dance lived
consciously each moment.  When we live at this level, we participate in the
creation of a better world."
Interesting, eh?
Free Will as the most important thing I have.

"It is not whether your words or actions are tough or gentle; it is the
spirit behind your actions and words that announces your inner state."

"Though I might travel afar, I will meet only what I carry with me, for
every man is a mirror.	We see only ourselves reflected in those around us.
Their attitudes and actions are only a reflection of our own.  The whole
world and its condition has its counter parts within us all.  Turn the gaze
inward.  Improve yourself and your world will change."
This is why people who annoy me the most are the ones who
reflect the parts in me that I am denying the most.

"A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away."

Tuesday 03/11/97
Worry Zones are like planet gravitation pulls.
Nirvana is the feeling of weightlessness between these zones.

Learning to fly could be about learning not to feel gravitation -
both mentally and physically.
Enthropy thinking pattern: "What if this is not gonna work this time?"
In late stages of a project it becomes "Ok, almost done,
but look how many other problems there are! How can I deal with them all?"
Running this pattern thru my mind induced sweaty palms.

Productive thinking pattern: "Even if this doesn't work, I know I will
find another path to solution".
This pattern gives a feeling of flight.

Wednesday 03/12/97
Observation - when somebody looks at me with a gloom look,
I think that I am the reason of gloominess.

Thursday 03/13/97
Keeping external cool feels pretty good.
However, once the interaction is over, there remains
anger at the one who was annyoing me.
If I force myself to do something I don't want, next
time I will want to do it even less.

So, instead of forcing myself to do something,
I need to learn to want to do something.
Example of how "moving away from" value system leads
down the wrong path - if the goal is not to be dependent,
it's easiest to become angry and get other person out
of my life.
If I don't believe that a correct path in life exists,
I could be immobilized - being afraid that if I keep
going, I will find that every path in this maze is a dead end.

Friday 03/14/97
Challenges scare me when I don't believe that I cannot solve them.
Sometimes I doubt my motivation, not my skills.
However, once I begin solving the problem, the seemingly
formiddable obsctacles fall apart soon!
Method to fight anxiety - when I feel shortness of breath,
stop and reframe the problem - instead of trying to solve
it right away, hoping that solution will make me feel better.

Saturday 03/15/97
"After many years among people just struggling to survive, yet managing to
find happiness, it was a culture shock to arrive in North America.
Americans complained about anything and everything even though they were
comparatively rich. The same had occurred when he had returned from Africa
to Europe."
I got a support request, asked for clarification, didn't get reply.
State - I am annoyed because I expect them to be annoyed by my lack of help.

Tuesday 03/18/97
Feeling - when danger arises, the Force will be with me.
I never did and never will lose what I really want to have.

Wednesday 03/19/97
Doing something fun, but worrying that I have to take care of someting
more important.
Truth is, when I indeed have an important task on my plate, it's
pretty fun to put it off and procrastinate.
You can have fun slacking off.
Why is Inner Judge silent sometimes?

He is quiet in the moment of impulse appearing
and while idea gets implemented.

When I look at a baby - I am smiling and Judge is silent.

He is quiet when I am programming.

Also when I am drunk... is that why drinking is so popular?
Judge is a Structure.

If all people in some country are no longer afraid
of the government, it will fall down in a moment.

There is a fear of the Defenders of Structure.
It's combined with a comfort that Structure does play some role -
there is fear of anarchy.
Rehearsing unpleasant conversations, if done too much, leads
to fear and paranoia.

Rehearsing pleasant ones - loss of spontaneity, expectation
of a specific response.
When the real conversation comes, it's like me talking to myself,
repeating what I rehearsed. Result - there is no communication.
About guilt.
I blame myself in advance, so I am ready when somebody
else decides to blame me.
Taken to extreme - anticipating every possible blame,
going crazy, blaming myself for anything that others may think of.

Trying to please everyone leads to inner slavery.

Thursday 03/20/97
When I was watching Monty Python's "Meaning of Life", I noticed
that my mental state improved several times - perhaps because
they are laughing about EVERYTHING?
Remember, this is one of my goals - to remember that nothing
in life is really serious.
If I learn to feel good during argument, I could lose fear
of potential confrontations.
Stereotype that some people are bland, boring.
But try writing a program that would act as this person -
it's an impossible task!
Hypothesis - inner energy is always directed somewhere.
Enthusiasm can attract, but can also repel.
Try a mental vacation - one week without guilt.
Nothing terrible will happen in one week, so I can relax.
Taking a vacation from giuilt now (one week, starting Thursday 03/20/97).
I feel less rush, more playfulness, more jokes, it's easier
to sing and to talk to people.

Friday 03/21/97
Starting trends - once I drew a funny face on elevator wall with a fingernail
(they got carpeted walls there) - and now there are drawings there all
the time.
Idea - try when 'vacation from guilt' is over.
Set a guilt schedule - for example - "ok, I feel
guilty about this acording to schedule, in exactly 2 weeks"
(Can even set up a reminder :)
Windows says "you must install fix" and I instantly have
inner resistance: "what do you mean - MUST?!"

Monday 03/24/97
After being in a large company and not enjoying it,
I begin having doubts about my ability of being
in harmony even with indivdual people in it -
even though a day before I had great time with them.
Realization - other people can deal with their problems - fight thru them,
find solution and be ok again. Just like I can!
"Behind your fears,
You rage and tears
I see your shining star
And I love you -
Just the way you are!"

Tuesday 03/25/97
Immobilizing thought - "They will learn all about it, so they
will not not want to talk to me anymore".

Answer: "I don't even know everything about myself.
As long as we learn and grown together, there will be no limit".
Fear of being with people - that they will leave me when I feel weak.
This makes sense - when I am in a weak state, I don't feel interested in
myself, so others may feel that way too.
If this happens, I am not likely to believe in the
"It's not you, it's me" explanation.

Wednesday 03/26/97
Idea "Wanting something is reason enough" doesn't answer the
question "What if I don't want anything?".
Superhacking state - fingers fly over keyboard - it's like
hack, song and dance at the same time. Very light touch,
but precise and amazingly quick. And program can even run
correctly at the first execution!
Realization: "I am working? I am a programmer?
How did that happen ? I know these people ?
I am in America?!?! I belong here ? I come here everyday ?"
Suddenly the usual things seem strangely new.
Does disapproval of task juggling increase the anxiety of
waiting for single task to be over ?
In order for life to become a game, you need:
1) Ability to pause it.
2) Ability to replay.
For example replaying a relationship - try with one girl,
if it doesn't work, try with another (no baggage).

I may be surrounded by some real people and some 'game'
ones (like characters in Truman Show).
With the game people I can replay - next day it's as if
there were no past of with them.

I treat them the same, even though there is a difference.

Remembering the Major Stryker shooter game, where I felt
bad for getting killed all the time. Game was fake, but
feelings were real.

Things that usually surround me seem more real.
This can lead to belief that dreams are made up, while
things I see when awake are real.

Complexity of other 'players' adds realism.

Real life - there is no replay or exit.
Groundhog Day movie - there is replay, but no exit.
Computer game - has both replay and exit.

Groundhog Day would become game if you could enter next day
and then return to previous one.

Game would become GD if game would restart at the same
time after reboot, automatically.
Phil's suicides in GD are like repeated attempts to reboot.