Index page
1. Glossary
2. Personal Enthropy
3. Fears and Conflicts
4. More Inner Conflicts
5. Closet Rebel
6. Observations
7. States of Mind
8. Watching my Feelings
9. Past and Future
10. Automatic Thoughts
11. Self and Others
12. Manipulation
13. World as a Game
14. Inanimate Objects
15. Surfing Scientology
16. 90% Power Solution
16. Feeling Resourceful
17. Intent vs Manifestation
18. A Matter of Trust
19. Levels of Evil
20. The Dark Side
21. Tao of Biking
22. Lose-Lose => Win-Win
23. Approval
24. Conversation is Over
25. Annoyance
26. How the Mind Works
27. Empathy - friend or foe?
28. Life is Actually Perfect
29. Compassion, Structure, Inner Judge
30. "I am kind", Feeling Love
31. Procrastination, slowing down
All The Rest
Email me
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Note - the links on this page lead to the reference, where I explain the terms
that might be unfamiliar to you.

Thursday 01/25/96
Personal Entropy:
When something doesn't work out, it blows the significance of event out of
proportion, so I feel bad.
If I succeed at something, entropy immediately tries to downplay the
importance and usefulness of achievement.
(This is how I can lose the satisfaction from buying things or getting
something done).

Tuesday 02/13/96
Realization - when I think about something sad and then tell
myself: "Let's change the subject", the thoughts remain sad -
because I changed subject, but not my state of mind!

Thus, the first thing I have to do is break the state - then
I'll be able to think of something more fun. Otherwise I get stuck
in worries.

Wednesday 02/14/96
I've set some goals for myself, now moving toward them.
Came up with a way to deal with user's complaints -
put the items in a stack and get to them once the major projects
are completed. Otherwise they distract me, the realization
that I distracted will affect my mood and I won't reach the bigger

Thursday 02/15/96
Need a special technique against overwhelming.
If I am attacked from several sides in a short period of time,
I lose it.
1) Priority - if new one is urgent, immediately make the others
low prior and stop thinking about them.
2) Define a separate confidence anchor (apart from 'good mood anchor').
3) Use a Self Talk cassette to get back to normal
4) Metaphor: goal is a far away source of light at the end of
the corridor; challenges are little obstacles on the way - it's
dark, so every time I jump over a barrier, I realize that I
got closer to the goal. The distractions are the silly pictures
on the wall which I lit up with my flashlight now and then.

Tuesday 02/20/96
Idea - words carry both informational and emotional content.
Being able to separate them, as well as seeing other person's intent
is extremely useful.

Thursday 02/22/96
One more - since singing is like breathing exercise, try to sing
when out of air - see what happens.
Anytime you have to choose between solving immediate problem and
interrupting the pattern, DO IP! It will even help you solve the
challenge faster. And you'll get a lot more pleasure out of doing it.
On the other hand, if you rush thru challenges in bad state, solving them
won't improve a thing.

And more general idea: - feeling good while trying to solve the challenge
is THE way, because it will let you keep on it longer.
Yuri's idea - apply the idea "enjoy the process" to downloading
long files.

Friday 02/23/96
More on the subject of "Methods of Entropy"
Personal Entropy (who's goal is chaos and severing the connection with
the Universal Mind) makes the task seem harder than it is,
while I'm thinking about it.
If the task is solvable, Entropy introduces doubts about it's
If those doubts are also resolved, P.E. begins to refer to
other people's opinions: "This is how they can object to your
And when I overcome everything, P.E. nags: "See ? You did it for
nothing, people are ungrateful."

Anyway, Entropy, I can see thru you!
You shall not succeed!

Oh yeah, P.E. also tries to lower my efficiency - when I have to
do something, it says that if I do it right, it will disturb
somebody, so it's better to do it half-strength or forget about it

One more thing - when the task is complete (like now, I wrote
one hell of a program), Entropy tries to distort the goal:
"Ok, so it works, but it will never be able to do this... or this".

Possible, the moment you listen to P.E., Universal Mind takes a step
back and you are on your own.
(Is this what spiritual books call Separation ?)

Wednesday 03/29/95
Methods of Entropy, part next.

I have several interesting tasks. Doing the first one, have to wait
while computer catches up with my thought. Meanwhile, Entropy says
"Hey, while you are waiting, do the second thing!". I jump to
another task, hoping to finish it instantly, while the first one
is still waiting. This never works. Second task doesn't like my
"instant" attitude, it resists, I get annoyed and drop it. The mood
is spoiled and I already forgot what I was doing in the first project.
Furthemore, I don't look at the second one the same way - since I
already tried it once and failed.

So, why does Entropy need this ? Because this way more things are left
undone - she grows, because there's more printouts I didn't look at
and files I didn't clean up.

She uses this method when I have several ideas of what to do.
(Note in 1999 - I've addressed this issue by creating a "ladder"
file. When I am in the middle of project and idea comes, I decide
whether to follow through on it or get back to it later. If I switch,
I write the name of current task on the next "step" of the "ladder".
If I persist, I write down the keyword of the idea. Either way, I
keep going, single thing at a time - and when I am done, other interesting
ideas are waiting).

Monday 03/04/96
Ada suggested visualization:
When it's cold, imagine the hot sun shining down on you.

Tuesday 03/05/96
According to the principle "The destination is nothing,
the journey is everything", the joy of programming can be
found even in debugging.
In fact, even more in debugging than in a final code.
Debugging is an exercise for the mind, it's the hunt, entertainment,
chase and final battle!

Wednesday 03/06/96
When prg (or webpage) does not work, users send you mail - this is good.
It means you've been heard and they want to help you make it better.
Yourself, don't bother too much with finding little glitches - concentrate
on content.
Remember, favors done in assumption ("I think they would like to see this")
are NOT acknowledged or even valued.
Do what you like and what you are specifically asked for.
Another question - what about updates ?
Should I hurry to let users know about every little change ?
Probably not, don't let this impulse to get in the way of
inspiration. Do it when you run out of ideas.

Thursday 03/07/96
Reading an incredible site, called Asphalt Philisopher
Here are some of the quotes:

"Most of the time I remind myself that the journey is all there is."

"The key to enjoying work is to have a job you can think of as play."

"God is order imposed on a universe of chaos."
That's a good way to say it. First there was only Dark Side.
Then appeared the Light (God). The Dark Side got worried and
haven't slept a second since. It will not rest till it's able
to get it's full glory back - that is, never.

(Note added in 1997:
This fits into our new theory of creation - chaos is simply
kinetic energy.
Interesting, does anybody divide enery into good and evil ?
First there was only kinetic energy, then potential energy
was created out of it... did God become kinder because of that ?
Perhaps if we define it like this: good: kinetic=>potential -
creation, evil: potential=>kinetic - destrucion.
So, by this rationale, to wind up a toy car is good, and let it
run is bad ? Nope, doesn't make sense).
It's possible that wars are caused by the Dark Side - the growth
of civilization distturbs it, so it gives people ideas on how to
destroy what's been created.
More quotes:

"In communication, intimacy and access to private thoughts of a partner are
a privilege and not a right.  Even if access has been freely given on prior
occasions, each communication is a new venture and requires permission for

"I like driving slow.  I can enjoy the scenery better.  I used to walk when
I was on the road, a long time ago.  I learned that life passes
(Note in 1997 - Hey, I use this principle!)

"If someone is in too big a hurry, it is hard to assess where they are."

"I realized that the world could destroy itself.
I realized I could destroy myself - thus ending the world."

"It is easy to teach the inspired; it is more challenging to inspire
those who do not wish to be taught."

Friday 03/08/96
More thoughts on the subject of "God is an order imposed on the Universe
of Chaos".
I asked myself - "What motivates the Entropy ?"
And here's what I pictured.
Chaos/Entropy is the river, which always existed and flowed without
obstacles for a long time. Then God/Builder/Spirit appeared and built
a dam. This dam is the Creation and every man is a part of it.
Our weaknesses are little crevices on our part of the dam.
The primary river breaks out thru them. The more is the scale and
amount of weaknesses, the stronger river flows thru our area.
Behind main weakness there are others - when you plug one crevice,
you can find out that water still seeps elsewhere. This is normal -
water will always try to flow where there's a way.
BTW, this explains why people can be unhappy when everythign seems to
be OK in their lives.
Returning to the idea of Structure.
Government/bureacracy is one of the macro examples of structure -
occupied with self-preservation, while the original goal is forgotten.
(Even Soviet government started with idea "for the people" - but
that purpose was lost).
The border between good and 'dark' laziness is often unclear.
For example, I wanted to congratulate somebody because of a holiday,
now changed my mind. What is it - lack of inner need or simply not
wanting take action ?
Today me and Yuri executed plan "March 8" (International Women's
Day, celebrated in Russia and some other countries).
We bought flowers for all the women at work!
I felt lazy, but Yuri convinced me.

Tuesday 03/12/96
My coworkers tend to overload themselves tremendously.
Perhaps there's a meaning in this - if I manage to stay calm
against all this, it will strengthen me.
I have a file where I store compliments I hear. The idea -
when I feel down or unsure, I can look at it for a boost.

Monday 02/12/96
Where did I get the hate of schedules ?
Perhaps it could be traced back to school ?

1) When somebody likes something a lot, I can develop
antipathy. Say, he watches a show on regular bases - and as a result,
I can't see it at all.
2) this can do something with structure -
I forget the original purpose of having a schedule.
3) Overload. When I am occupied, reminder pops up and the scheduled event
distracts me.

Wednesday 03/13/96
Everytime you want to share worries (or submit temporary solution for
approval), think 5 times - this creates extra problems.
For example, I went shopping for the printer, wasn't sure which one to get,
called the office - but later changed my mind and I had to explain what happened.
So, make final decision first, then let others know.

Monday 03/25/96
Self limiting thought:
"Others cannot act child-like, so neither should I".
(Assumed that there's a link, but there isn't).
People with pessimistic outlook will never acknowledge my efforts,
but they don't compliment themselves either!
(works the other way too - it's hard for me to value others when I feel
rotten myself).
When I am bending some rule and think of explanation as I go, it's
bad practive - later I begin explaining everything - waste of time and
restricts my freedom.

Tuesday 03/26/96
Example of negative focus - a friend sent me URL of his new page -
I didn't look at it. Today he sent me email in unreadable format and
immediately I feel like writing him to tell about it.
Idea - when something hurts, imagine the painful spot as the point
where Energy enters body.
Can do the same when I don't have enough air to breathe... or when
my eye is twitching.
I redefined what traffic jam means to me. It could be quiet and
calm time, with no rush.
It would be useful to redefine the meaning of work - more precisely
of distractions. Perhaps, users ask me questions to 
interrupt my pattern, when I am stuck.
And when I am ok, helping somebody is no big deal.
Besies, interruptions bring variety and change of pace.
I used to be annoyed when I am solving a big problem and another
small one comes up. But perhaps this small challenge is there,
so I can strengthen my Self-Esteem by solving it - and thus
tackling the big isses becomes easier. Or maybe little problem
is a clue for solving large one.
Light is Love.
Like the Sun, which gives light to everyone, all the time.
Like nature, which will help any child grows, even if nobody loves
Redefine the repeating "on hold" messages.
1) Mantra
2) Rap - song.
3) A record which is stuck and repeats the same thing till it sounds silly.
When I go into old program to fix something, I can find forgotten,
but useful subroitines.
Intent Readjustment - reminding myself what my original intent is,
so there's no guilt.
Why I need it ?
It works like this.
Say, I want to do something selflessly. For example, I bought some
flowers and am giving them away to women on the street. As I go, some
refuse to take them - they think there must be a catch. Eventually,
I may begin doubting myself.
In this case readjustment reminds me that my motives are pure and I have no
hidden agenda.
Thought - is it possible that when kid is making faces, it's a form
of Pattern Interrupt ?

Wednesday 03/27/96
Methods of Entropy
It makes efforts to curb my self-expression.

1) When I am planning to do something new, it says "I feel lazy to do it".
My reply: "Laziness does not apply to thing I planned MYSELF!"
   It can also say "Too much work".
Reply: "Good!   Too much of a good thing is wonderful!"

2) Then, as I begin doing, Entropy tries to confuse my goals -
saying that I am doing this for others and that I should hurry up
and that there's not enough materials.
(Results - I lose the enjoyment of process)
Reply: "This is not true, I am doing this (and everything else) for
my pleasure - others can only enjoy the final results.

3) Finalyl, when I am close to finish, Entropy says "So what, who can
possibly be interested in this ?"
Reply: "Me. I am interested".
Another Method of Entropy.
When I am solving problem, become too involved, my mood spoils
and Entropy says: "Nevermind, just finish it - then you'll feel better".
Correct approach - center myself, calm down - than the problem will
get solved faster too.

The rush comes from belief that my state will improve once the goal
is reached. This is not true. The negative state remains, I take upon
more projects and feel even worse.
Sometimes it's enough to simply identify Entropy to feel better.
But not always. It's pretty versatile. Even seems like it's self-learning.
Analogy - "slow, gentle typing" / "caressing the loved one".

My attitude toward REXX language - doesn't matter how many users
it has (even if I am the only one), and doesn't matter what the future
holds. While it's convenient, I use it.
Not defensive, not comparing to others.
But I keep eyes open for other languages too.
Example of Entropy in action. I was fixing somethong for my co-worker,
then another project came to mind and I thougt "Well, this will only
take me a second". Got stuck, started losing control - and this is what
Entropy is looking for.

Talking to people who are into control - how can I combine good will with firmness, so
I don't end up submissive ?
Realization - Entropy uses my own feelings against me.
Therefore, there are dualities, like correct and malicious laziness.

+ independence fron others, freedom, fun time, calmness
- inability to get motivated, not following thru with my own plans

Sense of duty:
+ Ability to persevere in finding the solution
- Worry, rush

Sense of humor:
+ Fun, carefree attitude
- Sarcasm

+ Fantastic motivator, helping the other, inspiration
- Low self-esteem, bad memories
One popular method of Guilt is symbolism - the need to feel bad to
prove something. The truth is, there's no need to. I know who I am,
others see the real me. And that's all there is.

Thursday 03/28/96
"Will to love is either desire to share out strong self-love,
or desire to support our shaky self-love".
There's no such thing as "I must".
If I do something based on inner will - it's "I want".
If pressure comes from outside - it could be a temporary compromise.
There's no such situation when external force disappears, but I keeep
doing what I don't want.
Remembered dialog from a movie:
- Why do we need sense of duty ? Well, there must be something that
motivates us to bring up our childre, take care of the old...
- Only Love has the right to motivate!
Speaking of priorities - most important thing is good mental state.
There's no such thing as 'no time for that'. There may not be enough
time for anything else, but there is time for state control.
It has absolute override.
One more example of losing the sight of original goal:
I am encoding new music files - and worrying - how am I gonna put them
online ? How will I classify them ?
No matter! What's important is to get pleasure from new music and to
have more variety.
Time, when waiting for computer or printer or bus - is a chance to take
a break from rush.

Monday 04/01/96
A week ago, at the Center, I heard this
phrase: "Birds sing after storm, why shouldn't we ?".
Interesting - animals know nothing about mental state control, but they
also don't have the negative states that people invented.
(This deserves further thinking - where exactly are animals as far as
spiritual development is concerned ?)
I was thinking - simply getting married and having lots of kids - it's
not much of the goal. But the alternative - understanding myself, finding
the right partner, creating a powerful couple and growing Free children -
there's a wholesome contribution to the cause of the Light!
Decided that it makes sense to confront the extreme opinions.
Not necessarily vilonetly, but for example I could stop generalizations, like:
"People are dishonest" - "All of them ?".
Finding fun in driving - I can look at people - there's always diversity in
this spectacle.
Incorrect pattern - first hoping for the future, then when it arrives and
nothing changes, grumble about "good old days".
With the right approach, all the days are gold. I'd say, f**ing good.
Laziness often confronts the rush and the 'motivation by guilt'. Thus, the
healthy Laziness is our ally.
Entropy uses my own qualities against me (in Science of mind
they call it 'Ego', but the concept seems very similar).
Thus, for example, there's 2 types of laziness.
I was told that there's only one Force, but it includes everything.
this Ego has access to it's negative resources. Quote from
Star Wars" - "You feelings can be made serve DarkSide!".
Curious - the psychological side of the movie seemed to primitive at
first, but it grew on me.
"Want is reason". When I want something, it's reason enough to do it.
There's spontaniety, fun and diversity. I don't need to justify it to
myself. As for explaining to others, if there's a need, I'll deal with it -
inspiration always comes to my rescue.
Wrote "freedom can defend itself" - but forgot what I was referring to.
Openness - at worked others noticed that I am reading the book on Self-Love -
and conversation switched fom idle chit-chat to books and other interesting
Visualization - imagine music as Energy entering my body.
Story about a man, who wanted to learn, what life is. Finally, once life man
who lived at the peak of Himalayas told him, that life is smell of jasmine
after the rain.
"But another wise man told me that life is the sharp end of the needle!"
"Hmm... well, that's his life!"
Eveyrthing has 2 sides to it. If the positive one is not visible, it's
useful to learn noticing it. It always exists - look beyond.
Deepak Chopra said: "When we touch new level of consiousness, new world
is created".
Hell is limitation, fence around ourselves. Cool!
What state of mind is worser than limitation ?
More Chopra: "we are thoughts who learned how to have physcical bodies".
Internal light, it's frequence - is the level of consciousness. Thus, I
came up with new visualization: install new light bulb inside, and up the
voltage - increase the brightness.
Thought - fences and signs "no tresspassing" could be the attempts to defend
external freedom. Interesting conclusion - if I violate external border, but
let the person know that I respect his inner freedom, he'll probably won't
have reasons to be upset.
Lines have the same meaning as traffic jams - slow down your run, look at
the people, at the surroundings.
A guy from my chorus said that I always smile - what do you know :)
Method to get into resourceful state - stop and listen for a while/
Example - at the stadium I ordered Pepsi, but they didn't have lids for the
little cups.
I stumbled at first, but then a playful idea came - I swiped from the
counter the big cup and poured my drink there.
BTW, you can tell the state by quality of typing - the more errors,
the worse. Exercise - slow down typing, gain accuracy.

Tuesday 04/02/96
PERL debugging could be the best exercise in self-control :)
If you can debug PERL, you can face anything.
News: I improved logging on my site and discovered that I have tons
of visitors!
Today, April 2, I got 7 people!
1) Hurray!!!
2) It does not affect my style - keep it light.
No responsibility.
No overload.

Give - and they will come.
Told you :):):)

Wednesday 04/03/96
One man in his Out-of-Body-Experience tells that children can see him.

Thursday 04/04/96
New approach to helping others.
Distraction from the main challenge, solving theirs - self-esteem goes up.
No, that I don't *have* to help,  I do it voluntarily.  And to  interrupt my
pattern. Thus, I am not affected by their opinion of how it must be done.
There's no such word as 'must'.
When I finish helping, im my own way, they'll thank me - and I get a boost!
JW.Dunne, 1970..An Experiment with Time - theory of parralel worlds.

Saturday 04/06/96
Losing self-control is like a first sneeze during allergy - I think "one
time and that's it" - but after sneezing once it's damn hard to stop.
Another success - conquering allergy with the help of Little Dwarf!
comment added in 1999:
Hey, I forgot about this! There was a book, where subconscious was
described like a little man, who sits behind the glass, in a huge library.
Until I call on him, he minds his own business, reading a magazine. But if I
do ask for help, he'll look thru all the knowledge and memories, finding the
I called him "My Little Dwarf".

Wednesday 04/10/96
"Life energy - the animating force that is common to all
living beings... the organizing, anti-entropic essence of life".

Tuesday 04/16/96
Good method to pinpoint my difficulties - when conversation touches
them, I become defensive.

Thursday 04/18/96
Interesting way to play with time:
imagine that the problem is already solved, get into that state and then
recall, how exactly did you solve it ;)

Friday 04/19/96
Basis of inner freedom.
1) If I don't want to do something, noone can force me - I will creatively
avoid it.
2) I can be totally calm about other's negative emotions, when I choose to.
Regarding "good use of imagination" - when something in the system breaks,
thing of an instantenous answer "why did it happen" - using the BOFH method.
(BOFH - Bastard Operator from Hell - witty dark humor stories about an
operator who has his own ways of dealing with users)

Saturday 04/20/96
Speaking of guilt - as a part of a campaign against it, weaken other's
burdens too.
They say "I feel bad" - answer that I don't blame them, that I am ok.

Monday 04/22/96
I redefined the role of imagination and subconcious in general.
Instead of protecting me from all possible failures and softening the
blow, I assigned it to help me find pleasure in the moment.
From slacker's point view, there's an advantage when I have to stop
what I am doing and go help a user - I can take it easy on the way
back, since nobody knows where I am supposed to be.
In the Center, a practinioner did
affirmative prayer for me. She told me to write down characteristics of a
girl I want to meet. Here we go.
1) Romantic (romanticist?)
2) Is into self-improvement. Idealist. Open-minded.
3) Kind.
4) Desirably (but not necessarily) Russian.

We'll meet soon!

Tuesday 04/23/96
Overload is a tricky state. When I am tackling a single problem, I can
consiously know that I can solve it. When there's tons of them, the best
thing to do is to BELIEVE that I can.

Wednesday 04/24/96
*Looking through the notes I've made in my personal organizer*
1) I am responsible for intent, not interpretation.
Comment added later:
Indeed. This is where the idea of "intent readjustment" came from.
It is important to remember, what my original intent was - otherwise
I can lose enjoyment of the process.

2) Superconscious - 1s time I heard the term was in the Center,
when colleague from the chorus was explaining to me the meaning
of Science of Mind logo. The term
'Superconscious' immediately reminded me of 'Universal Mind' -
exciting concept!

3) It's useful to believe in Abundance. When I know that there's enough for
me, it's eaiser to yield, to share with others.

4) High self-esteem - there's no need to confirm or prove anything.
My inner self is constant. My defining characteristics (sense of humor,
playfulness, creativity) are always with me.

5) Expression - to whom ?
This is an important question.
Take the garffiti that I see on the walls under the bridges.
Authors of these don't look for awards, they'll probably never know what
other's thought of their pictures - yet they leave their creations
somewhere, where they can be found.

Monday 04/29/96
Example of feeling bad after a good deed: thinking
"I didn't do my best".
Once I picked up an old man - hitchiker. I gave him a lift and even paid
for his hotel room. Later, I felt: "But why didn't you buy him a bus ticket
Let's think about it.
What exactly is "my best?"
It can only refer to intent.
And my intent was good.

Tuesday 04/30/96
How overload happens.
A person asks me something, I take the question seriously and drop whatever
I was doing.
I try to help, no necessarily sucessfully. Mood goes down, new questions
follow, I feel worse.
Eventually I get mad at the person.

1) If I am in the critical section of my own task, do not distract without
extreme need. Or distract only when sure that other person's challenge is
simple and will give me a boost.

1.5) Do not respond to complaints that are not directed to anybody to
particular. I have nothing to defend.

2) If I do distract, keep in mind that it's not my challenge.

Thursday 05/02/96
Sign - when negative thoughts switch from "you'll never make it" to "you
could have done it differently" or "who needs it", this means that success
is actually near.

Friday 05/03/96
I got it: ego is a structure.
And like any other structure, it's main goal is self-preservation.
Ego is et of beliefs and values put together for a purpose,
but once it got settled, forgot the original task it was
supposed to do and assumed that it IS me.
Identifying something as a structure is a first step toward
new understanding.
Ego gives me reasons to avoid contact with people - less embarassment,
shame, guilt. But it forgets one thing - all of these feeling are also parts
og ego and *can* be changed.
Avoiding communication I don't put my imperfect beliefs to the test - thus
they lay idle and don't change.
Observing Personal Entropy.
I am wriging a program to publish my webpage in print.
Wrote first procedure, complete sucess and noticed the thinking change from
"won't work" to "who needs it".

Monday 05/06/96
Why ego wants outer freedom - only in complete absence of externam stimuli
there's hope to keep all values/beliefs intact => keep the structure intact.
Tony Robbins:
"Many educational enterprises fail to achieve the results they desire for
lack of one simple idea:  Most people would much rather be entertained than
educated.  The 21st century educator must be an extraordinary Entertainer
who Educates people with the finest tools, and Empowers them to act upon
them.  I call this philosopy, E3".

"Tony's programs vary tremendously and have a large scope.  His
material varies from changing your values and beliefs to managing your emotional
states.  One simple technique he teaches is called "Morning/Evening
Questions".  The idea is that when you wake up in the morning, you ask
yourself questions that will put you into a peak state and focus you on the
positive, exciting, truly motivating aspects of your life.	For example you
might ask, "What am I really excited about in my life?" or "What am I
really grateful for in my life?" or "What could I accomplish today that
would really make life better for myself and those around me?""

Good newsgroup: alt.self-improve

Tuesday 05/07/96
Question that would be useful to solve:
SAay, I am busy, fixing something, others drop by and ask:
"What's wrong?", "Will it be fixed soon ?" etc.

It's very easy to bark something in reply and ensure the outer peace.
But this is not the way. The people who ask - it's not their fault.
And it doesn't help me inside either, on the contrary, a negative thing is
added: "Not only something is broken, but I also feel bad because I scolded

So, what would be a better way ?

Wednesday 05/08/96
Distracts me from learning something new - either directs my attention
elsewhere or uses external factors - "what will others think of what I am
doing ?"

Monday 05/13/96
Strong emotions change the physical state.
Two negative (dark side) ones: anger and fear.
So far one positive: sexual drive :)
The Asphalt philisopher:
"The world of the past forgets pain and remembers success.
The world of the future is a dream of perfection.
The world of the present is a choice. I choose to see life as good."
Listening to personal ads on the phone:

One lady stuttered in the middle of sentence:
"I am a homo... home owner."

Another one:
"I've got 2 kids!")
(sounded just like taxi driver in Total Recall, who kept saying:
"I've got 5 kids to feed!").

Many say "I am told that I am attractive".
Interesting, so they themselves don't think that ?

Few more funnies:
"I am looking for man who's looking for true woman
in box 1002".

"In this box you will find a single black female"..

"I am box number 662".

Tuesday 05/14/96
No point to give users explanations, until I am sure problem is fixed.
Intermediate explanations could be wrong - and it will worry the people
Even more so, there's no need to get them involed ind debugging - this
causes only noise and mess.
About procrastination.
I have to upgrade the computer over the phone.
Pain & Pleasure assessment -
1) Call myself - messy.
2) Delegate it to co-worker - still messy, because I'll have to participate

Goal - to be left alone.

Unavoidable result - procratination.
Not only it's more pleasant than other choices, but it directly follows from
the goal.

Conclusion - sometimes I need to redefing the goal itself.
For example: "If it's so bad, how did it make into list of goals in the
firstr place?"

Naprimer, sprosit' "esli eto takoj bazar, kak eto voobsche
popalo v spisok celej ?".

Or look in the future - distort the time, as if goal is already achieved.
Let's try it...

So, do you remember how we upgraded that computer?
How did this improve out capabilities?
*came up with 5 examples*
Time Distortion is powerful!

Wednesday 05/15/96
Note the distinction between solving problem and worrying.
If there is meeting planned and you are ready, you are better
off not thinking about it - pure waste of time.
This is not procrastionation, since I am not putting off a decision.
Another note - real trouble is always better than potential.
When I am afraid to approach somebody and ask, better do it anyway,
because otherwise negative imagination will get into play -
and it is able to draw the pictures far more gloomy than anything other
person can tell me.
"In fact that reminds me vividly of the
best person I have ever known...who had the amazing gift of making
people happy.  He didn't do or say anything special...and yet after
spending some time with him a person would come away simply feeling
happy.	What a wonderful gift!	What on earth was it?  I don't know.  It
seemed that when someone was near to him they picked up some of his
serenity...his deep peace...his happiness.	So his gift to the world was
his own happiness.	By simply being happy himself he made others happy.
And that certainly made the world a better place."

"In his Date With Desiny course, Tony Robbins describes his fear
of changing the order of his values so that happiness was above
ahievement.  At the time, achieving was *very* important to him
and making happiness a bigger priority seemed threatening to his
identity as a super-achiever.
He chose to try it on a trial basis and quickly found himself
"happily achieving" more than ever."

Thursday 05/16/96
Internet is like a person - if am impatient with it, I won't succeed.

Monday 05/20/96
Positive changes made this year:
1) I am enjoying new word - the Lucid Dream dimension.
2) I stopped being nervous when another car driver honks behind me.
(LATER: well, almost stopped... still working on it).
3) My perception of police is now calm.
(LATER: it was till I got fined again)
4) I learned to use anchors
5) With my websites, I am writing again - more than ever before.
6) Began singing again - joined the chorus.
7) Learned the princinpes of overload, inner freedom, entropy.
(LATER: that is, *began* to learn)
8) Found many new pretty places in my city (Saint Louis).

Wednesday 05/22/96
New useful interpretation:
 Helping others when they are panicking, but I see that the problem
 is simple. Reminds me that I am above the problems and they cannot
 seriously slow me down, unless I let them.

Thursday 05/23/96
So far it's unclear what to do in this situation - I promised
my time to one person and then I find out that 2nd one needs it
too and has good reasons to have it.
Note that this is an internal challenge - if I end up scolding
the 2nd for breaking my 1st appointment, I'll spoil
otnoshenija with both and I will be responsible.
Net result - feeling guilty towards one or both and avoiding them.
Absolute ("I am not competing with others") and relative points of view.
When I sincerely praise another, my strength grows, because I am enfocing
the absolute point of view. Sincere praise is not possible from relative
point of view - only when I try be a 'silver tongue' or am asking for a
reciprocal compliment.
Comparison *is* useful when absoulute opinion is low:
 "I am not interesting"
 "Well, do I know somebody more interesting than myself?"
 "Well, then"

Friday 05/24/96
When other person says he has the same sickness, I feel physically better.
When restrictions are set, it's a good time to apply know-how and
imagination. For example, at work they asked me to leave a note when I leave
for lunch - so I wrote a CGI script to do this.
The only defence that's really needed - is to stop other from interrupting
my creative state.
That is, maintain creative state despite other's intervention.

Monday 06/17/96
Do not debug while talking to others - guaranteed overload.
Bigotry could be an attempt to convince self and others that you have
made right choice. Take OS/2 - it was good system and we parted peacefully
- there is certainly no reason for me to hold anything against it, but
I seem to skip OS/2 Warp news automatically, same way I used to do with
(later) Is that because i was OS/2 diehard, more than it really deserved ?
Guarantee against overload would be to learn pacing.
For example, I got bunch of email. Email - is a cool thing, but if I attack
all messages at once and think that I must respond to all at once, there
will be overload.
Feeling responsible for everybody is dangerously close to trying to
ctrl everybody. Those that affect my state seem as candidates for
readjustment, while in truth, it is only state itself that needs to be
changed. Besides, when in bad state, I can't help anybody else to change
(later) BTW, 'Responsible for everybody' seems to fit the definition of
Can I apply this to hacking ? Not controlling computer, but
freely expressing knowledge and creating together ?
(later) Strong idea! We complement each other, together we are stronger than
each of us taken separately, each can do something that the other cannot.
Procrastination as it my apply to computer - it doesn't know which of my
processes is more important, so it ends up hanging.
Method "Need help?" ("Offering other person help before asking for his
assistance") works straight with subconsciousness and with no fail -
Yuri keeps using it on me and I can't resist. Good.

Monday 06/24/96
There's a chance that the images I see in the clouds can tell me what mood I
am in.
(Later) It's simple - in creative state, it's easy for me to see pictures in
the clouds. In unresourceful state... it's hard to look at the sky at all,
it seems like such a senseless waste of time.

Same thing applies to clouds as to people - either altering perception to
make clouds form picture or trying to change them (which sorowfully fails).
A lesson from nature.
A young squirrel kept catching each new piece of bread, dropping the old
one. As a result, she spend more effort and concentration, but got less
food. Typical example of overload.
Squirrel shall learn her lesson. Will I ?
Try documenting times when you are successful handling overload or other
weakness. Later you may be able to find out, what key elements were
(beliefs etc).

Tuesday 06/25/96
More on the method "Offer help when you need help yourself" keeps working
fantastically well and certainly on subc level.

Possible reasobsL
1) I don't mind helping the other when I am allright myself. The person who
offers help to me that he also wants me to be OK and even helps me figure
out my challenges.

2) Dude shows that he cares => I am more likely to help

3) When request is made this way, I end up offering help back. And I know
that it's more pleasure for me to do something when it's going according to
my own initiative.

It may help if I start using this method myself.

Personal Entropy already came up with a reason not to -
"If somebody hears that offer help, they'll think I am not busy, so they'll
load me with things to do".
Solution: Offer help, but quietly. No need for the whole office to hear it.
Clerks/waiters seem to enjoy when I call them by name - let's do that.
It's nice know that I am one step ahead of Entropy.
But even when I lag behind, as long as I have list of things to improve,
Entropy can't win - slowly but surely I take back the territory.
It would be useful to learn concentrating on a task and get others
temporarily out of mind - how ?
(Later) Perhaps, treat the task as a meditation ?
Maybe computer is like a dog - "bites" when you are afraid of it ?
Those who bring me new challenges are my helpers in the fight against
(Later) Excellent interpreation! I use it up to this day.
Also, some pacing helps - when my phone rings, I let it make noise for a
while, then pick up.
State is not directly related to amount of problems solved -
I have list, mostly done and state did not improve.

Wednesday 06/26/96
One more Method of Entropy - when faced with overload, I may
discard useful evidence that could assist me in fixing a challenge.
I lose when I start taking self-assigned task too seriously.
(Later) Yeah, when I forget that this is a game, which I started myself...
yeah, the whole life is!
How to choose between leaving task because of unresourceful state
& jumping between tasks ?
(Later) Possibly the solution is neither - rather take a step back and
improve the state.
It is interesting, how little I allow myself to enjoy what I have achieved.
Immediately: "But also have this other thing on my plate!" and that's it.
How can I change that ?
This is extremely important - what's the point of achievement if it doesn't
bring me joy ?
One possibility is to alternate the 'useful' and 'fun' things to do from the
(Later) Cool! The fun thing can be seen as a reward for completing the
useful one!
When something it's broken in the program, it's easier to fix while the
memory is fresh. As time foes, the problem seems more serious that it
really is, plus I forget how the things work.
Fixing little things that bug me is taking ground back from the
(Later) Exactly! I now use this in a method: "When I cannot think of
something that could make me feel good, eliminate something that makes me
feel bad".
I am sensitive to the criticism that touches my weak points (guilt,
self-esteem). Often I mentally criticize myself, as if other person is doing
it. What for ?
"Perfect child of God" can be accepted as one of definitions of my identity.
As well as "fighter against entropy" or "entropy hunter".
Order is not an opposite of entropy. A malicious structure (for example,
dictatorship) is as much a weapon of entropy, as a total chaos.
The real opposite of entropy is freedom.
It's possible that I cannot wholeheartedly become an optimist, because for
me it associates with old Soviet-era nonsence, like "5-year plan in 4
Quotes from "Resources for Living":
"To think that the physical world is all there is seems somewhat silly to me. I find
it hard to believe that the only thing that exists is what we can see. I think
it was more than fear that led humans to sense the existence of a supernatural force.
Long ago, I made the assumption that there IS more to life than meets the eye.
Once I made that assumption, I was free to examine the possibilities.

Sceptics who poo-poo whatever is out of the ordinary, be it psychic
phenomena, alternative therapies or non-traditional lifestyles, tend to have a
very patronizing attitude towards those of us who are pioneers of

I haven't found that many sceptics whose lives I would want to model. They are
caught up in the same negativity, dis-ease and materialism that pervades the
world. Their scepticism isn't making their lives -- or the world -- any better.
However, a lot of people I know who are walking uncharted paths have found
a peace and satisfaction that only comes when one is willing to reach out
beyond that which is known and provable.

I think that the majority of people feel the "more" of life and want to believe that
it exists. For many who were brought up in strictly religious households, a
punishing God doesn't work for them. They want to believe in something, but
don't know how to express that belief."
Sharing is important. I just found an interesting thing on the Net, but
don't know who to share it with. The thing I found is Vedanta - ancient
indian religion, sounds just like our "Science of Mind"
More from "Resources for Living":
"I honestly believe that The Universe (or whatever you call The Force that
created this whole show) supports us if we support ourselves."

  Yes, just like water! Water supports me if I want it to.

"Each day, when you catch yourself in little untruths, tell the truth
instead.  The Truth will set you free.	Use it at work to acknowledge your
truth and you will free your Self."

 Wow. Is there distinction between being true to yourself and
upholding universal truth ? For me lying - normal order of things, but do
really want it to remain my characteristic ?
(Later) *Smiles about "normal order of things"*

Thursday 06/27/96
Jumping between tasks is especially dangerous when combined
with extra distractions: less concentration => easier to get
distracted => less done => blame others.

Motivation for jumping tasks could be "if there is many of them,
there is got to be one that's easy to solve". Another - "if I
pick one, I'll really commit to it and will feel bad if I can't solve it."
(Later) Yeah, just like jumping between girlfriends. Never worked well,
Solving - I often feel content that "I tried something, even if
it didn't work". For example, while taking a task, I don't want to double
check the math problems - "I've already paid attention to them".
(Later) Yeah, but then I look back and I thing that I gave it all, but the
problem was stronger than me. Thus, lower self-respect.
Reading maagzine from the last page to the first helps from jumping ahead -
since I've already seen chto ahead :)
I cannot be monitored - in any conditions I find time for for fun and for
work. No matter how much they watch me, I will still control my time myself.
It's a fact!
New def for those that call me with computer problems - they help to fight
against entropy by providing specific targets to strike and
focusing my attention on something I might have missed.
More Methods of Entropy.

When I don't know something and it is brought to my attention,
1st reaction is to feel bad and next - to prove to myself that
I don't want to know it anyway. This limits my horizon to things
I can find by myself, because external (useful) input is largely
(Later) I am reading this and thinking 2 opposite things at the same time:
"At some point I will run out of original ideas and will just repeat myself"
and "Will this entropy battle ever end ?!"
Anyway, 'limits my horizon' - exactly what it is.
Anthony Robbins asked his friend "There is so much to do, how people can
ever be bored ?"
I say, for that very reason, can't handle the overload.
Observation: I start feeling bad when I realize there is something
newer and I am still using current version. Instantly feel short of breath.
How about this - going for new is required only when current is limiting.

I almost combine strife for new (from hacking mentality) with
responsibility (from work) - combination is dreadful.
I am not responsible to have newest. I don't have to.
I do this when I feel like it and have fun doing it.
It seems like I feel need to match level of user's panic.
for ? Rapport ? It usually leads to arguing and blaming instead.
And sure as hell kicks me out of resourceful state.
Formula: knowledge is in reverse proportion to panic.
If I panic as much as the user, I need more knowledge the neutralize the
panic - more knowledge that I actually have.

Solution: Chill the user our and solve the problem in peace and quite.
Self-confidence is based no on the reality, but on focus - namely, focus
on memories that strengthen my viewpoint.
Autopilit digs into my past and finds confirmations for low esteem - there
are always some.
But there are also (and many times more) positive memories - to focus on them
is my task.
Metody entropii - as new things come up, they seem more
interesting/easy than the one I am working on, I jump to
them and sometimes never come back.
I looked at the size of this file - cool, it's big!
And immediately thought: "Yeah, but not enough for a book".

Tuesday 07/02/96
When you say "I am sick of", you cannot make a good judgement
of what really is the trouble - you look for a scapegoat.
Example of how laziness can be the way to go:
Say, you've dropped coin into a fountain.
If you splash around, looking for it,
you won't find it. But if you do nothing, you'll see it thru clear
"Hard work is not a virtue in itself" - yeaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

"By not doing the usual, we discover the unusual that clears
the differences."

".. having made room for Truth, it comes".
When you find yourelf striving for perfection too hard,
stop and look back, at the part that is already perfect.
Instantly feel better.
Asphalt Philosopher:
"The joy in a journey is in the travel itself.  The destination provides a
goal and a direction, but to me, the joy is not at arriving but in the
struggle to get there."
Well, I'll be, And I thought that that was my own idea.
Perhaps, it became mine, when I became ready for it and
expressed it myself.
BTW, this means that good ideas that i reject at the time are
not wasted - they stay inside, ready for the time i can accept them.

"Fire ants and humans are very similar.  Humans are an extreme pestilence
problem here on Earth.	Their sting is very painful.  They are aggressive
and show no mercy.	Little has stopped them and they have destroyed many
other native species.  To many other creatures, and often to each other,
they represent a plague upon the land.

And yet God takes pity upon these humans.  Watching our struggle God feels
mercy.	He offers the hand to raise us up above the slick and insecure and
sets us aright on level ground.  Like the ant, we often scurry away and
return to our mound.

And, when we sting Him, I am sure He wishes we would remember He is our

"Darkness always yields to light.  Light is the force, not darkness.
Darkness is the result of the absence of light and darkness is banished when
light appears.	A single spark or a small flame will illuminate a vast

Wednesday 07/03/96
More methods of Entropy.
When there is little time, it will tell you "Skip it, you'll
miss other things!"
When there is lots of time, it says "No rush, you'll do it later!"
When other people are involved, it says "Don't do that, you may
affect them."
By being the first to offer help you'll make sure you give to all,
not just to those who are demanding all the time.
There is ocean of difference between conscious inactivity -
meditation, contemplation, daydreaming... and malicious inactivity
caused by procrastination.

Thursday 07/04/96
There is conflict between "stay on target" and "final goal is nothing,
movement is everything".

Monday 07/08/96
Instead of submitting to or denying False Self, ask it
"Why do you want to do that ?".
Ask it: "What do you expect to see ? What would please you ?".

Negative state - collect others' negative emotions,
thinking "if I feel bad and others too, I will feel easier".
In truth, it gets worse - negative charge gets stronger.
"If you have built your castles in the air, you don't have to change them -
this is where they should be. Now build the foundation under them".