Friday 11/29/96
"... no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose
mind is free.  No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not
anything--you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do
is is kill him."
*
Judging can serve as a method to stop thinking about a subject -
by dragging it through the dirt I kind of lower its'
significance => I don't have to think about it.
The side effect is that my mood takes a dive and thoughts
about it tend to come back anyway.
*
"They were asking directions and he was explaining in French
that he didn't speak English.  Each time he explained they
would ask again in a louder voice.	(Amazing how some people
think that volume has something to do with understanding.)"

Monday 12/02/96
I've been lucky - the back problems I was born with have
saved me from serving in the army back in USSR.
*
Matrix printer is humming a melody and I am whistling with
it.
*
Suppressing an impulse to show kindness - by the fear of
routine. "Are you saying I'll have to do this every time?
I don't my life to be predictable!"
It's not true though - where routine is, there is no
impulses.

Maybe Enthropy can pretend to be an impulse, when it's dark
in my soul? Take hurtful jokes - they may appear
spontaneously, but in fact it's the Dark Side saying it's
word.

Tuesday 12/03/96
Thinking that entire world is AGAINST me - it means to
believe that everybody else was made from the same mold,
while I was hand crafted separately. If that was the case,
it would mean that I have a special status in the Universe,
above anyone else. Thus, just as well, I can think that
entire worls is FOR me.

And if that is not the case, if everybody is unique, then
there couldn't possibly be a conspiracy against anybody.

Wednesday 12/04/96
No wonder the advocacy groups are so popular - peoples'
energy has to go somewhere. What doesn't get used inside,
goes into external world.
Maybe feeling useless is an experience of unused potential?
*
Being in the flow works very well - I immediately see what
the next step should be.
Although, then I feel uneasy that I already know it, but
not working on it yet.

Thursday 12/05/96
Desire to jump ahead and start with the next task could be a
sign that current task is going well and is close to
completion.
*
Let's consider the relation between what I need and what I
am given. Take email for example.
Too few messages - depressing.
Too many - overload.
Just the right amount - becomes either too few as I answer
or too many as my inspiration runs out.
Lose-lose situation.

How can I turn it into win-win?
Few messages - easy to answer them all, relax.
Many messages - a lot of fun stuff to read.
The key moment - I can take it slow when responding
(although it's hard).

The conclusion is this - even if external world tries to
give me what I want, it still cannot succeed.
It's up to me to throttle the external input and to
evaluate it in a positive way.
*
The extra meaning I give to the number of emails I get:
"Am I worth it, for people to email me a lot".
Yuck!
I've heard about this - wearing self-esteem on my sleeve.
*
Interrupting other, for me, is caused by impulse, flow =>
can lead to a rich conversation, if the other person accepts
it normally.
This doesn't work with everybody or everytime.
*
What somebody believes in me and offers to solve the problem
together, this motivates me greatly.
When they doubt my abilities, it slows me down badly.
Even if they do it in a gentle form, it's still a huge
turnoff.

Incidentally, this is a good hint on how I can motivate
myself.
*
Feeling the Force - a computer at work wasn't booting. I've
reset it and mentally sent the energy of Love through the
keyboard. It began working!