Friday 11/29/96 "... no amount of force can control a free man, a man whose mind is free. No, not the rack, not fission bombs, not anything--you can't conquer a free man; the most you can do is is kill him." * Judging can serve as a method to stop thinking about a subject - by dragging it through the dirt I kind of lower its' significance => I don't have to think about it. The side effect is that my mood takes a dive and thoughts about it tend to come back anyway. * "They were asking directions and he was explaining in French that he didn't speak English. Each time he explained they would ask again in a louder voice. (Amazing how some people think that volume has something to do with understanding.)" Monday 12/02/96 I've been lucky - the back problems I was born with have saved me from serving in the army back in USSR. * Matrix printer is humming a melody and I am whistling with it. * Suppressing an impulse to show kindness - by the fear of routine. "Are you saying I'll have to do this every time? I don't my life to be predictable!" It's not true though - where routine is, there is no impulses. Maybe Enthropy can pretend to be an impulse, when it's dark in my soul? Take hurtful jokes - they may appear spontaneously, but in fact it's the Dark Side saying it's word. Tuesday 12/03/96 Thinking that entire world is AGAINST me - it means to believe that everybody else was made from the same mold, while I was hand crafted separately. If that was the case, it would mean that I have a special status in the Universe, above anyone else. Thus, just as well, I can think that entire worls is FOR me. And if that is not the case, if everybody is unique, then there couldn't possibly be a conspiracy against anybody. Wednesday 12/04/96 No wonder the advocacy groups are so popular - peoples' energy has to go somewhere. What doesn't get used inside, goes into external world. Maybe feeling useless is an experience of unused potential? * Being in the flow works very well - I immediately see what the next step should be. Although, then I feel uneasy that I already know it, but not working on it yet. Thursday 12/05/96 Desire to jump ahead and start with the next task could be a sign that current task is going well and is close to completion. * Let's consider the relation between what I need and what I am given. Take email for example. Too few messages - depressing. Too many - overload. Just the right amount - becomes either too few as I answer or too many as my inspiration runs out. Lose-lose situation. How can I turn it into win-win? Few messages - easy to answer them all, relax. Many messages - a lot of fun stuff to read. The key moment - I can take it slow when responding (although it's hard). The conclusion is this - even if external world tries to give me what I want, it still cannot succeed. It's up to me to throttle the external input and to evaluate it in a positive way. * The extra meaning I give to the number of emails I get: "Am I worth it, for people to email me a lot". Yuck! I've heard about this - wearing self-esteem on my sleeve. * Interrupting other, for me, is caused by impulse, flow => can lead to a rich conversation, if the other person accepts it normally. This doesn't work with everybody or everytime. * What somebody believes in me and offers to solve the problem together, this motivates me greatly. When they doubt my abilities, it slows me down badly. Even if they do it in a gentle form, it's still a huge turnoff. Incidentally, this is a good hint on how I can motivate myself. * Feeling the Force - a computer at work wasn't booting. I've reset it and mentally sent the energy of Love through the keyboard. It began working!